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Finding one’s Bashert

I recently met a Talmud Chacham in his upper thirties who claimed in the name of the GRA that hashem has hand picked his bashert for him, and that his own actions (blunt very serious dating questions and statements on date 1) can not get in the way of his “destined” bashert. He truly believes that the right one will say yes to him no matter how he acts (even if his actions seem to turn away girls as I have learned this information out from girls the man has dated) The Gemara in Sota does mention the concept of hashem choosing a bashert for men, but can’t somebody perhaps miss their bashert? Could there be more than one bashert?

Answer:

The Gemara (Mo’ed Katan 18b) writes that it is permitted to betroth a woman on Chol Ha’moed because of the concern that somebody else will betroth her before you.

The Gemara asks that surely the matter of shidduchim is from Heaven, and replies that although shidduchim are decided from Heaven, the other person can still marry “your bashert” by means of prayer.

Meaning, it is clear from the Gemara that a person can lose his “bashert”.

You should point out that there are plenty of people who end up never getting married: What happened to their bashert? The answer is that they missed her, for some reason or another. Therefore, one must certainly do one’s hishtadlus, as the Gemara writes that a person must “search for his lost part.”

However, if he behaves in a manner that turns girls away, then perhaps he doesn’t deserve to find her…

Best wishes as always.

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