The Midrash tells of a fascinating monologue occurring in the heavens on Yom Kippur. A prosecuting angel observes the Jewish people on Yom Kippur and, seeing they are free of sin, declares before Hashem, “Master of the World, you have a nation akin to malachei hashareis, servant angels. Just as malachei hashareis are barefoot, so too the Jewish people are barefoot. Just as malachei hashareis stand in place, so too the Jewish people stand on their feet on Yom Kippur. Just as malachei hashareis are free of sin, so too the Jewish people are free of sin. Just as the malachei hashareis exist in harmony with one another, so too the Jewish people exist in harmony with one another.” When Hashem hears the favorable testimony of the prosecution, He forgives the Jewish people (Pirkei d’Rebbi Eliezer 15). The prosecuting malach’s final testimony about those he is compelled to incriminate is the harmony and peace between them. Amongst the various mitzvos and minhagim of Erev Yom Kippur, asking forgiveness from those we have wronged ranks high. Why erev Yom Kippur? Should this not be a mitzvah in constant effect? What if a person doesn’t wish to forgive? What if he already passed away? What if he is mentally incapacitated? What if he is just a child? Do I really have to appease my neighbor’s three year old? In this article we will explore some of the facets and laws of asking forgiveness and appeasement.
Let Bygones be Bygones
We all know that after doing something wrong, we must repent. Though the prescribed method for teshuva depends on the nature of the transgression, there are certain universal requirements. At the first stage of teshuva, the penitent must sincerely regret his wrong as well as express it in vidui, confession. After completing this stage, the transgression remains on the person’s record until Yom Kippur, when many sins are erased. When the transgression is interpersonal, another precondition must be met. Every violation of Jewish law, whether it be a question of kashrus, brachos, or theft, requires a person to go through the above steps. Hashem demands from us certain behavior and when we fail we must take the steps to repair and repent from that behavior and express in action and in words our intent to change our ways. We are essentially repairing our strained relationship with Hashem. However, after wronging another individual, whether it is in a dishonest financial dealing or a personal insult, we have not only damaged our relationship with Hashem but we have also caused another pain and suffering. The regret and confession prepare us for the forgiveness of Yom Kippur, as we have mended the tear in our connection to Hashem. A precondition for teshuva and Yom Kippur’s forgiveness is to further repair the outstanding interpersonal damage. Therefore, the offender must seek out and appease the one he wronged.
Obviously, we must ask, “Why wait until Erev Yom Kippur? Shouldn’t this be done as soon as possible?” In truth one should immediately repent. Though not advisable, he can push it off to a more convenient time. However, immediately prior to Yom Kippur he may not wait. The posuk says, “On that day He will forgive you for all of your transgressions” (V’Yikra 16:30). Even if one has taken the proper teshuva measures not all transgressions will be forgiven. Therefore Erev Yom Kippur is the last chance to assure full forgiveness by appeasing those we wronged (see Mishna Brura 406:1). Additionally, as each person approaches Yom Kippur he will more readily forgive wrongdoings to him.
Making Things Worse
At times, asking forgiveness for an interpersonal failing can bear a grave consequence. Let’s say Reuven spoke loshon hara and harmed Shimon. Reuven, now regretful of his wrongdoing, seeks to do teshuva. He says vidui, accepts upon himself to be careful in the laws of loshon hara and now has one last stage to complete to ensure that Yom Kippur will relieve him of his iniquity. The problem is that Shimon is unaware that Reuven ever spoke against him. Reuven, knowing well how hurt Shimon will be when he confesses to him, is in a dilemma. If he wants forgiveness from Hashem he must gain forgiveness from Shimon for the loshon hara (Chafetz Chaim 4:12). However hurting Shimon by exposing him to the wrong that was done is also a serious issue of onaas dvorim, painful speech. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter ztz”l ruled that when requesting forgiveness includes divulging painful information, the offending party should simply request forgiveness in a general manner (Moadim u’Zmanim 1:55 in the name of Rav Eliyahu Dessler ztz”l, see Minchas Chen 2). It has been suggested, in light of this very real concern, that for this reason we collectively request forgiveness at the uniform time of Erev Yom Kippur. If the one asking forgiveness assesses that it is preferable that the one he wronged should not know of the offense, Erev Yom Kippur provides an ideal opportunity, as everyone is asking for forgiveness even on a general level (see also Chafetz Chaim 4, Chelkas Binyomin ibid who seems to disagree). On the other hand, if on Chol Hamoed Pesach one approaches his friend for forgiveness, the friend will realize that something is certainly amiss.
If at First You Don’t Succeed…
The Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 606) writes, “If he is not appeased at first, return to him a second and third time and each time bring with him three people. If he is not appeased at that point, he is no longer bound to him.” Ideally, the person should go himself and not rely on an intermediary. Some commentaries point out that the self-effacement is itself a kappara (see Mate Moshe 888, Hagahos Mahor”a Azulai ibid). Additionally, personally approaching the offended person, with its inherent display of humbleness, facilitates his ability to forgive. Of course, if he estimates a higher probability of success through a third party, he should employ that method. Additionally, each time he approaches the one whom he wronged he should try a different technique or angle to appease him and not just repeat his failed approach. Aside from the situation when the forgiver will be embarrassed, the one asking forgiveness should specify what he did wrong (Mishna Brura ibid 2-3).
Even in a situation that one is confident or even knows that the offended has forgiven, he should nonetheless approach him formally (Pele Yoetz “teshuva”, Moadim u’Zmanim 1:54).
Better Late than Never
What if one, full of regret, wishes to appease someone he has slandered, but that person is no longer among the living? Fortunately, it is not a lost cause as the Gemora (Yoma 87a) spells out the procedure. The basic process is that the one who needs forgiveness must bring ten individuals to the grave of the deceased and declare before them while barefoot, “I have sinned against Hashem and against this person.” He must specify in what way he sinned. However, this procedure is limited to when he disgraced the person prior to his death. If the slander was posthumous, the same procedure applies, except he need not go to the person’s grave. Rather he may make the declaration in the place he said the slander. After hearing the penitent’s declaration of regret, the present ten individuals should declare, “You are forgiven. You are forgiven” (Mishna Brura ibid 14-15).
What if the person from whom he seeks forgiveness has lost his mental capabilities and is powerless to provide forgiveness? Hagaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz”l posited that the penitent should wait until the person has passed on, and then perform the above procedure (Ashrei HaIsh 606).
In a similar vein, the halacha says that minors are incapable of forgiving. In general this concept is limited to financial dealings and as such Hagaon Rav Nissim Karelitz shlit”a suggests that perhaps that at times if one wronged a child he may suffice with asking the child’s forgiveness (Chut Shani Yom Kippur pg. 101). However, Hagaon Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz”l held that while one should ask the child’s forgiveness out of custom, he must further ask again after the child’s bar/bat mitzvah (Ashrei HaIsh 606). It is told of the Steipler ztz”l, that he anxiously approached a young boy on his bar mitzvah to seek forgiveness for a long past insult.
Summary
Someone who wrongs another will not be forgiven on Yom Kippur unless he has attained proper forgiveness.
Though one should immediately ask forgiveness for an interpersonal failure, he might wait. However, on Erev Yom Kippur he may no longer postpone it.
If one is concerned that specifying the nature of his interpersonal failure will cause the offended person additional grief or embarrassment, he should just request general forgiveness.
The proper procedure for asking forgiveness is as follows: first try appeasement. If that fails further approach the offended a second time accompanied by three people. If that fails repeat this process a third time utilizing yet another approach or technique. Should the offended not grant pardon, he need not try a fourth time.
Even of one knows the offended party forgave him, he should nonetheless approach him formally.
If someone failed to appease his friend before he passed away, he should take ten men to his grave, and, while barefoot, declare his wrongdoing. If he spoke badly of someone after their death, he should perform this process at the place he spoke ill. In either case the ten onlookers should declare, “You are forgiven, you are forgiven.”
Gaining forgiveness from a person who does not have the mental capacity to forgive must be postponed till after his passing.
The poskim differ as to whether one who wronged a mature child may get forgiveness from him prior to his bar mitzvah, or whether he must wait till afterwards to request a pardon.
Hashem should give each of us the strength to excuse those who have wronged us, and to approach those from whom we need to beg forgiveness.
