I am a German Jew not raised in temple and did not know torah. I am now age 34 and being punished from God and still suffering in exile away from the majority of other Jews and trying to teshuvah for my past sins. I am upset because I have figured out that I desecrated God’s name by innocent bloodshed when I had abortion after abortion after abortion. My family came here to escape the holocaust and 2 generations later I am here going through another form of the holocaust. God punished me the 3rd time for doing it and for being with a man who was non-American and non-circumcised (I did not know the difference!) by bringing a plague of voices and screaming deafening noise on me while I was in college dating him and I had to move back home to my parents house in my home town and get on disability with mental illness. I still have mental illness and I still hear noise and voices. The voices now talk to me and I suffer through things like hearing them tell me to fast, to be celibate, to sleep in the floor (like to sleep in the dust), and such and such. I am guessing that God wouldn’t have punished me for my sins if he thought that I would have to die to atone for them. The voices also were so bad that I listened to them and fasted a 6 month fast a few years ago similar to sackcloth and ashes of the red heifer. The problem is that I still hear voices and they still want me to fast and to have a house of prayer. I wish so much that I would have known torah and the Law of Moses growing up so I would not have violated these laws with abortion/murder and then on top of it I went on living my life repentantly.
The circumstances relating to what caused the pregnancies and the ages were left out… I just wanted to get down to the bottom of what to do about the problem of sin in the world and in my life. I am concerned that this situation is one where atonement is made only at the time of death and need confirmation. I wonder if that means that God wants to shorten my life span and if that means I should change the way I live in any certain ways for example to be Kiddush Hashem instead of chillul Hashem just to help rectify the sin in the world around me on a daily basis. Do you have any knowledge of how I can practice Kiddush Hashem on a daily basis? That would definitely help me. Also, how do I contact Sanhedrin?
Please contact me. This is just as grave as the holocaust in Germany to me and my sin is just as bad as Sodom and Gomorrah. My uncle was born in Germany and his name is also Adolf. It’s hard for me not to think about my uncle when I think about what I have done. As for the Sodom and Gomorrah, My parents both practice law and I was raped in their house over a two year time period that they were not aware of and then blood was shed over and over. I am just disgusted to think about this. I was only 14 and being taken advantage of by an older man who was 19. It is even worse because the man who did this to me was legally blind and receiving some type of government benefits that he refused to tell me about and I have heard torah scholars say not to put a stumbling block in front of a blind man… It is just horrible. I also want to talk to Sanhedrin because there is more to the story that I have not mentioned having to do with my own mental health at the time. Hope you can get me some answers or to the right people. So so so sorry but there is a tad bit more that I did not include. Let me know if you think that this is something that Sanhedrin should listen to and how in the world a person gets a ruling from Sanhedrin. I am so ashamed and fed up with what I have discovered about myself once the truth about sin was revealed to me through the reading of the bible/torah that I am willing to forfeit my life.
From your letter it sounds like you have genuine remorse over the abortions that you did. Our torah teaches us that there is nothing that stands in the way of teshuva, and a person that repents is forgiven. There are three parts to teshuva, regretting what was done, confessing to G-d about the sin and expressing remorse about it, and thirdly to accepting not to do that sin again. From your letter you surely have done the first and third, so all you have left to do is to confess to H-shem that you are sorry. After you have done that, the sin is forgiven, and you shouldn’t worry about it anymore. These thoughts of all sorts of voices are not going to help you get closer to H-shem, in fact it is causing the opposite to happen. It is causing you to steep in self pity, and it is stopping you from leading a happy life and to serve H-shem happily.
Besides this, we have to consider that you were brought up without knowing that there was anything wrong with what you did, and H-shem definitely takes that into consideration. You are also trying to make yourself better and trying to get closer to the service of H-shem, and that is something that He values tremendously. The gemorah states that a baal teshuva, will be placed in gan eden in a place that even very pious tzaddikim can’t reach!!
If you have any more of these voices, tell them that the Rabbis said that it is an aveira (sin) for you to fast, sleep on the floor, because that is not what H-shem wants you to do in order to get closer to Him. What you can do is, to live a life of causing Kiddush H-shem. This is done by being pleasant to people, and showing people that being close to H-shem will bring out the best in them. Do acts of kindness to other people, and live a life of giving to others.
Unfortunately we don’t have a real Sanhedrin today, and we pray for it every day, to be established again together with Moshiach, the holy temple and Dovid Hamelech. Besides, even if there would be a Sanhedrin, they would be dealing mostly with national issues etc.
Besides this, you have to take care of your mental health. It is important for you to be on the correct medicine so you will have the peace of mind you need.
I wish you well and if there is anything else that I can be of assistance, please let me know.