I have been clean from wasting seed for over 5 months and today I fell. I don’t know how I can possibly do that to Hashem who gives me everything at all times. The scariest part is that one side of me feels so bad and wants to cry for days and the other side of me feels numb to the whole thing… How can Hashem ACTUALLY forgiving me. How could he forgive me after I promised 5 months ago that I wouldn’t do it again? And I knew I was going against Him this time and I still did it, and then right after I can just say sorry and feel bad and everything is fine? How can I be close to Him as I was before? To be honest I’m not even thinking about punishment I just want to chozer beteshuva bahava with all my heart and love for Hashem but something just won’t let me. I can’t get myself to just pour out all my feelings, how can I not feel so sorry for hurting my Father who loves me so much?! I’m not sure what to do or think at this point I’m hoping you can help me.
You sound very upset over what happened, and it is understandable. You promised and you fell. Shlomo Hamelech, the wisest of all men said in Mishel, 24-16, ”Sheva yipol tzaddik v’kom”, a tzaddik can fall seven times, but he gets up and continues. If he is a tzaddik how did he fall so many times? The answer is because people, even tzaddikim, are people, and people make mistakes and occasionally trip up and fall. So what makes this person a tzaddik? Because he is “kom”- he gets up after he falls and he doesn’t let it get him down. He tripped, but he gets up and he continues climbing.
Hashem knows that we have a yetzer hora- he created it, and therefore he also created teshuva. You feel very bad about what happened, and you want to be better, not merely because a sin has a punishment, but because you want to be close to Hashem. This is called teshuva m’ahava, and this is what you want.
Don’t be concerned that there is a part of you that doesn’t feel this way- remember we also have with a yetzer hora, a part of us that want to pull us away from Hashem. Just keep up the good work, and work on growing, and don’t let the yetzer hora pull to down with guilt. That is one of his weapons, to first trip us up, and then make us feel lowly and worthless, so we won’t have the energy to keep on growing.
Hashem is with you, and he loves you, and he knows that your love for him is more than the mistake that you made.