I can’t keep falling to pgam enayim and pgam habrit anymore, I just can’t take this constant battle of up and downs, of falling, going to the mikveh and promising not to do it ever again, and then a few days or weeks or even months later go through the same cycle again. I know the computer is the main factor in this problem but I learn a lot of Torah and I need it for school. I have put filters on it but when I decide that nothing matters and I’m going to follow the yetzer hara I can easily go around the filters. I don’t know else to do I’ve gotten to the point today that I can’t continue like this but I don’t really know where to go from here. If there is any advice im you can give I would much appreciate it.
I understand your frustration. Aside for the bad feeling of having done an aveiro, we also have to low feeling that we gave into our yetzer hora. It isn’t easy. Fighting our yetzer hora is a battle, we win some and we lose some. The trick is that “if the yetzer hora knocks us down, but he shouldn’t knock us out”. Meaning that even if we fall we get up again and continue, as the posuk says “sheva yipol tzaddik v’kum” Even if a tzaddik falls seven times, he still get5s up and continues… and this is what makes him a tzaddik, because he doesn’t give up.
It might be helpful for you instead of looking at your situation as “every few weeks falling again”, but to look at it from a positive angle. “Look, I managed to stay clean for a week already” Then two weeks, then a month etc., The truth is that this is the more correct truthful way to look at it. The same way you feel bad for your mishaps, you should feel good for your successes. Keep on going and Hashem will b with you and help you out.
Regarding the filter on your computer, maybe you should consider changing your filter, to one that blocks things before they get to your home, or to a filter that shows the sites you have been to, to a friend. These seem to be very successful.