Question:

I have been dating a boy for over 1 year and a half that i see as marriage material but we have had some problems and some new approaching ones.

We dated one year not shomar (this pas t year) from a short long distance (stl to chicago) and saw each other every couple weeks and had a great relationship.
Than the next year he left to Israel to a yeshiva to take a gap year. We are two academic years apart from each other so when he was in his gap year I was in the 11th grade in a MO high school. This year he was away was very hard. The distance took a toll on us and weakened our relationship. We have fought a lot and he now thinks he is so much more ahead of me bc of his learning but I do not believe this because I have been growing as a jew myself just not in Israel.
He now is coming home from Israel and wants to go on shana bet, meaning i will not be with him this past year, this next year, or the year after that (my shana alph).
He also wants to be shomer, So the rare times we see each other and the summers in between we will not touch. I think i will be able to do it although it will be very very hard.
Do you think this relationship could work? or is it too long of a time to be apart and too much time and distance between us.
Is it too early to want to continue to date to marry?
Is three years too long to date till marriage?

 

Answer:

From what you are writing it looks like you are correct and at this point there is a lot of distance between the two of you. Not just physical distance, but because of numerous factors; one, the fact that the two of you will be separated for the next two years. Also, people at this age can change, especially when they come to Israel which often causes them to grow and become more serious about life and their Judaism, and may very well not be the same person that they were at 16-17 in the states. Therefore right now is not the time to date to marry, because it is way too early, and because both of you are not yet settled as to who you really are, and the course of life that you want to take. Three years is a little too long to date until marriage. The relationship under such conditions will not be growing too much, and it will just get frustrating, and will most probably break up in any case.

I would suggest that you leave it for now, and after you come back from your year in Israel, you can check into it again to see if at that point the two of you are suitable for each other. If both of you think that you are at that point, then by all means, you can date to marry then, when it is more practical and realistic.

May H-shem bless you with much success in life.

Best Wishes

Tags: dating

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