I am a young divorcee. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, but my former wife’s parents have made it difficult for me to do so. Naturally, when people look into me, they ask, “What happened the first time?” Instead of stating that we split amicably (which is the truth), the parents have painted me in a very negative light. In truth, they were instrumental in having my marriage broken apart in the first place, something my former wife would probably attest to if she was allowed to speak.
Other than davening to Hashem, what can I do to get this albatross off my neck so I can rebuild my life?
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In order for you to move on, you must realize that the situation you currently find yourself in has been predestined from the Aibishter. Obviously, your first Zivug was not your Bashert, however, it was part of a process that will I”YH lead you to the Basherte Zivug. The fact that your former in-laws are causing you difficulty to forge ahead, is part of the Bashert process too. The Chofetz Chaim says that we have to view people who cause us difficulty as Shiluchei Hamakom and, therefore, not even harbor ill will against them. The Chofetz Chaim goes on to say that if we accept the difficulty with silence, internalizing the fact that the difficulty is all coming from the Aibishter, we will merit great Schar, more than the Malachei Hashareis can imagine.
Removing the albatross off your neck and moving on, has nothing to do with those who are causing you difficulty. It’s all about YOU taking every bit of energy that you possess and using it to move forward. We all possess a limited amount of energy that we need to to get us through our daily challenges and struggles. Any bit of energy that we use to go backward results in less energy left to go forward.
I would advise you to take all your energy forward, and channel it at being the best that you can possibly be by strengthening your relationship with yourself, with the Ribbono Shel Olam, and with those around you. On the practical side, be mindful of your physical and emotional health and maintaining a pleasant outer appearance. Have a list of reputable references, phone numbers included, who can vouch for you and who are familiar with your divorce and its proceedings. If a Shidduch of interest comes up, you will be prepared to provide the inquiring party with this list. Anyone who inquires about you and hears the ‘Motzee Shaim Rah’ being spread and rescinds from the Shidduch, that Shidduch is NOT Bashert for you! The R”BSO is the ultimate ‘Mizavaig Zivugim’ who created the world by HIS say so. When the right time comes, nothing and nobody can stop the Bashert Shidduch from happening. Please internalize this!
When despair hits you in the face again, just respond with silence and forward energy. This is a tremendous ‘Ais Ratzon’ for you, that you can use to daven for yourself and for anyone you know who needs a Yeshua! Not only will you be passing your Nisayon with flying colors, but you will also be benefitting tremendously by acquiring the perfect tools to deal with any future Nisyonos that may come your way.
Signed, T. Rubinstein
