The Story
Ari and Zevi were walking home from school. It was a nice day and their parents had given them permission to stop along the way to visit their friend Chaim, who lived in a nearby neighbourhood.
“I haven’t seen Chaim since the summer, and I can’t wait to catch up with him” said Ari.
“Yeah” agreed Zevi. “It’s been a long time. I wonder what he’s been up to.”
“What are you two doing around here?” said an unfriendly voice.
The boys turned around to see a big, mean looking kid behind them. They immediately knew who he was. Chaim had told them about a bully in his neighbourhood. He was 5 years older, and had a reputation for picking fights with kids. Sometimes he stole their belongings. Apparently was even arrested once by the police and had to spend time in a special jail for children.
“Hi” said Ari to the bully. “We’re on our way to visit our friend. Wow! I love your basketball shoes. They’re the coolest. You must be an excellent player!”
“I’m the best” boasted the bully. “You’re looking at a future professional basketball player”. He crossed the street and headed off in the opposite direction.
When he was out of sight, Zevi spoke up. “Ari, you hate those shoes. I remember your mother bought you a pair in the summer, and you returned them the next day!”.
“Yes” admitted Ari “I do hate those shoes, but I felt that if we didn’t find something nice to say, that he would pick a fight with us.
“I understand what you were thinking” said Zevi “but you basically told a lie. As bad as he may be, it wasn’t as if our lives were in danger. I don’t think you’re allowed to do what you did.”
Ari wondered whether his friend was right.
Discussion
Q: What is ‘flattery’? Can you give some examples?
A: In our story, Ari compliments the bully for something that he doesn’t really like. He is not saying something nice because he thinks it is true. He is saying something nice, because he thinks it will help him. This is called flattery.
Q: What is the connection between our story and the parasha?
A: In our parsha, Yaacov tells Eisav that seeing Eisav’s face is like seeing a Divine being, such as an angel (Bereishit 33:10). Obviously, Yaacov did not really think that was true. He was only saying it because he hoped that it would protect him from Eisav.
Q: Is it halachically alright for Ari to flatter the bully?
A: In general flattery is not permitted (see introduction to Sefer Chafetz Chaim, la’vin, 16), with a special emphasis on flattering the wicked — people who should be told off rather than flattered. It is thus forbidden to flatter a person falsely in order to get some benefit from them.
However, there is an important exception: Flattery is allowed when a person is in physical or even financial danger (Yere’im, mitzvah 248) . Yaacov knew there was a good chance the Eisav would harm him and his family, and it was proper to flatter him. In our story, the bully was known to harm other kids and steal their money. It was therefore appropriate for Ari to use to flattery in order to save himself and Zevi from possible harm.
Back to Our Story
Ari and Zevi told Chaim about the incident with the bully.
“I’m so sorry to hear about this” Chaim said. “I heard that he was going to school out of town, and I haven’t seen him for months. If I knew he was around I would have warned you.”
“That’s alright, Chaim” said Ari. “Thankfully everything worked out.”
“Hello boys”, said Chaim’s mother. “I actually have to travel to the butcher in your neighbourhood later. Can I offer you a lift home?”
“Normally, we’d prefer to walk” Ari said “but I think this time we’ll make an exception”.
(This Dvar Torah was written by Josh and Tammy Kruger in collaboration with Rabby Yehoshua Pfeffer, and based on his article entitled ‘Rights and Wrongs of Flattery’ https://dinonline.org/2013/11/08/rights-and-wrongs-of-flattery/)
