If I am suffering from mental illness (e.g. depression) is there a din v’cheshbon on me for my actions or lack of actions? I feel like I simply cannot garner up the strength to daven or put on tefillin. I want to— it just seems insurmountably difficult. I feel perpetually grumpy and act like a loose cannon to those around me. I hurt people emotionally and cause them pain.
I am not malicious or anti-religious. I am just “sick.” I am hurting. Does Hashem understand or overlook? I know that not putting on tefillin is a serious thing and that hurting others’ feeling is very severe, but I am stuck in a cycle of sadness, my own pain, and depression.
If I am getting help (therapy) and trying out different dosages of different medications, does Hashem understand what I am going through now? Will I receive some “onesh” for my actions? Am I supposed to push myself to do things which seem beyond what I can do? I am not sure what I can do? I feel like no one would understand what I am going through…
Please help me understand these concepts and sort out my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We have to do the best we can. We have to look for ways to overcome our nisyonos. On one hand “ayn HKB”H bo btirunya im briosov” H-shem isn’t going to hold us accountable for what we can’t do, but on the other hand, He is the one who gave us the nosayon. Only He knows if it is really too hard for us to do, or it is our yetzer hora that is telling us that it is too hard. To the degree that something is beyond the person’s real capabilities, that, he is not responsible for, but what he can do, he is responsible for. When someone is going through a difficult time, H-shem surely knows what he is going through, after all he is the one who decreed (for whatever reason) that it should happen, but he also know what our real potential is. We cannot know what the heavenly accounting system is; our job is to do the best we can and leave the rest up to Him.