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How to approach the indefinite period of no relations following the birth of a child?


How should I approach the indefinite period of no marital relations following the birth of a child?

With an active sex drive that’s been consistent throughout my adult life, I am certain to find it difficult to avoid mast. to relief urges that sometimes feel unbearable.


Good question. A new father or father to be can be worried and anxious about the frustration of having to abstain from relations with his wife. It is a challenge, but the key is not to look at it as this tremendous mountain of having to abstain indefinitely. That isn’t the case. Very often she can clear up in 5-6 weeks, and very often it is even before the doctor will medically allow relations to resume. It is true, that sometimes it can last longer, but you shouldn’t worry about that now.  The first thing, take you mind off it. Yes you are a healthy, active male, but there are many other things in life to think about other than the frustration of having to abstain. You will be a new father, and life is going to change is numerous ways, and you will be mentally busy caring for your new baby, and getting used to your new situation, that tie will go by so quickly that you wouldn’t believe that the weeks went by so fast. Another thought that might help is that you re very much not alone in this, all fathers go through this, and they manage this challenge without compromising halacha and violating a sever sin.

Another idea is not to look at it as “six weeks”, but as right now, for today, can I manage just for today? Good. Tomorrow I will deal with tomorrow. There is a story that happened with the Steipler Gaon (The father of R’ Chaim Kanievsky shlit”a), he was in the Russian Army, and he mistakenly put his coat in the branch of a tree, in a way that was forbidden to take it off on shabbos. The problem was that he was doing guard duty and it was freezing cold, to the degree that not putting on his coat could have been dangerous. The Steipler Gaon knew that he was allowed ot put his coat on because of the danger, nevertheless, he told himself, “ for another two minutes, I an manage without it, so I will put the coat on in another two minutes. Then after two minutes he told himself the same thing, “just another two minutes”… until the whole night passed by. We can also do the same thing. Don’t look at the time as if it is, indefinite, and an insurmountable mountain. Look at it as one hour or one day at a time, and you will se that it is not as hard as it looks.

May H-shem help you with your nisyonos, ad you should have much nachas from our new baby.


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  1. According to the version of the story that I read, it was not the Steipler who put the coat on the tree, but the previous guard who left it for him by putting it on the tree.

    If the Steipler was allowed to take it off the tree, why didn’t he? Why be frummer than what the halacha requires, especially when pikuach nefesh is doche Shabbos?

    1. He technically wasn’t, but he didn’t want to use the heter of pikuach nefesh until it was actually needed.

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