Thank you so much for your reply. This machla has been devastating to klal Yisroel.
So, in regard to my question. In the Mourning in Halacha book on page 100 under Mending the Tear it says “one who chooses never to mend the tear at all is praiseworthy” the footnote gives sources.
After wearing the beged for a week straight I was actually planning to throw it away! When I told that to my mother she seemed shocked at the idea and, combined with what I read in the Seder, I thought that maybe there is something righteous about keeping it for the year. I really don’t know. This is my first experience of Aveilus, and I am also in prison, and have no minyan to even say kaddish, so I want to do the right thing by my father.
I have some other shailos regarding shloshim and the year of aveilus. I understand that Pesach ends shloshim but I can’t shave or cut hair on erev Yom tov. Is that correct?can I cut my nails with clippers on erev? Finally,for music for the whole year is it absolutely no music,or similar to sefireh where there are heterim for recorded music vs live music
You mothers reaction that you shouldn’t throw out the beged, is because to her the beged is a symbol of the mourning of the loss of your father, it is not a halachic requirement, but an emotional connection. To a degree, this has to do with the halacha that the tear should not be resewn, because resewing the rip is showing that the loss has been repaired. Throwing out the beged is not s bad as resewing it, because you are not showing that the rip is repaired, you are just discarding the beged as it is.
Regarding not saying kaddish, this seems to be a part of the gzeira, and it is very sad. These holy neshomos, that didn’t have anyone near them when they passed on, didn’t have much of a levaya, and now at the time that they need it most, they don’t have kaddish being said for them. However as yidden we are not lost, and there are B”H other things that we can do that are an illuy neshoma for th niftarim, perhaps even bigger than kaddish. Learning mishnayos, mishna which is the same letters as neshoma, plus it has the zechus hatorah, is as big as saying kaddish. therefore you can make sure that until you will be able to daven with a minyan, to learn some mishnayos l’illuy nishmas your father. In general it is a big zechus for you to make sure to learn mishnayos l’illuy nishamaso every day during the first year, as we see that numerous gedolim wrote in the tza’ava.
Regarding shaving or taking a haircut, although the shloshim has ended, however for a parent, th avel does not take a haircut until hs friends will ask him, “why aren’t you taking a haircut” because his hair is so long. You can cut your nails though specifically before chatzos on erev Pesach, because after chatzos it is like chol hamoed and we are not allowed to cut nails. Bathing and laundering should be done after chatzos.
Regarding listening to music, according to most poskim it is not permitted even if the music isn’t live. Observing the halachos of aveilus is one of the ways that a child is mekayem the mitzvah of kibbud av v’em, by observing them correctly.
Have a chag kasher v’sameach