Question:

Is it a breach of modesty for a single Bas Yisroel to organize Zoom events (whether it is private or public) with the sole intention of mingling with the opposite gender? Thank you.

Answer:

This is a topic that isn’t easy for people to hear, because there is indeed a very big yetzer hora for these things. Especially since our society is so permissive and promiscuous. Partaking in such a meeting, and aside for the damage that it does to one’s neshoma, it is damaging to them for the future. Let me explain

Having a mixed Zoom event for the sale of “socializing” is not merely a breach in modesty, it is causing all of those involved to commit numerous aveiros min hatorah. In a way I understand why you are asking the question, because you are assuming that since the boys and girls are not actually meeting, but only seeing pictures of each other, that maybe it is only lacking in tznius. The truth is that it is forbidden m’dorayso for any of them to participate in such a meeting. Let’s go through the halachic issues that “come into play”  here.

  1. The first issue is that the boys are not allowed to look at girls or to talk to them, and the reason is because looking at girls causes a boy to have improper thoughts, which is a violation of the mitzva ושמרתם מכל דבר רע, that a man has to be careful not to cause himself to have thoughts about girls. Otherwise this is known as the issur for a man to have hirhurim of girls.
  2. By organizing the meeting you are causing the boys to sin, which even for a girl is the aveiro of לפני עור לא תתן מכשול, not to put a stumbling block in front of someone and cause them to be hurt. Causing someone to do an aveiro is one of the forms of causing the person to get hurt. Additionally, the girls can not attend such a meeting because she is causing the boys to have thoughts about her, which is לפני עור.
  3. In truth it is not just an issue of what they are doing to the boys thoughts, it is also forbidden because of the girls own arayos (forbidden relations) prohibition. Although girls do not have the prohibition of looking at boys to the degree that boys have regarding look at girls. They are still forbidden to do things that will bring themselves closer to having promiscuous behavior. R’ Moshe Feinstein zt”l (Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1-60) was asked a question if there is any specific prohibition ( not chumras) for girls and boys to schmooze and be friends, of course without any touching etc. or yichud? He answers that there is a lav ואל אשה בנדת טומאת לט תקרבו לגלות ערוה- “To a woman that is a nida do not get close to having a forbidden relationship”. What does it mean not do get close to having a forbidden relationship? He bring from Avos D’rabbi Nosson, that this means not to hug, kiss, or even to talk and schmooze with her (and her with him)! Therefore he says that any talking between boys and girls for “friendship” is included in this Torah prohibition, Therefore both the boys and the girl are violating this lav, which is a lav related to giluy arayos!. (This doesn’t mean that a girl can’t talk to a boy, for something that is needed it is permitted, but not if it is for the relationship of it.)
  4.  Additionally, it is forbidden for girls to do things that will bring her to have lustful thoughts. This R’ Moshe writes (Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1-69), that although women don’t have the prohibition  of ונשמרתם מכל דבר רע, they do have the prohibition of ולא תתורו אחרי עיניכם, therefore they may not look at men in a licentious way. When girls wants to “talk to boys”, they are going to be looking at them in such a way, and therefore for her own reason it is also prohibited for her to be involved in this.
  5. Additionally the Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 21-1 says that is it forbidden for boys and girls to act frivolously with each other, and in a light headed way, which is exactly the purpose of these meetings…

Besides for the clear Torah prohibitions involved here, the girls and boys don’t realize it , but they are really hurting themselves for their future marriages. One of the reasons the Torah does not want us to mingle and have contact with people of the other gender is in order to help our shalom bayis, and to build a strong, happy, healthy home. When a boy and a girl get married, and she doesn’t know of any other boys and he from any other girls, they will be happy with their spouse for who they are. However if they have had experiences with other people, they will be subconsciously comparing their spouse to the other people, and whatever quality the other person had that their spouse doesn’t, will be felt as a let down. This is very detrimental to their future homes. For more discussion on this topic see  https://dinonline.org/2018/12/03/is-it-permissible-to-attend-mixed-gender-social-eventsgatherings/

Therefore it is in your best interest, not to help set up such a meeting, and not to take any part in it.

Best wishes

 

Tags: modesty

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