Question:

Forgive me if this is the wrong forum to ask this question on but I don’t know who or where else to ask!
My husband starting vaping (electronic smoking with different flavors of vape liquid which is meant for people who are trying to get off of cigarette smoking.) He did not smoke cigarettes to begin with! He got into it from the influence of my cousin who was actually trying to stop cigarette smoking. Anyways, it drives me completely crazy, mainly for the fact that I believe it’s unhealthy and can be detrimental and therefore do not want him using the machine! Nor do I want my kids or myself seeing it or breathing in the garbage liquid vape. He promised numerous times to change his habits but is clearly addicted and I’m just worn out of putting up with my fights. Every time I take away the machine and liquids he demands it back somehow. Otherwise, our marraige is good B”H but this is driving me crazy and it eats me up. I am literally at the end of my straw with this. It seems he doesn’t care how much it bothers me. Please help. If it wasn’t detrimental to health it would drive me crazy but I wouldn’t care. Thank you.

Answer:

In consultation with a professional in these matter this is what he suggests.

“While it is true that vaping is unhealthy and can be very disturbing, creating friction over the issue can be more damaging. The more you attempt to take your husband away from the vaping, the less likely he is to kick the habit and the more resentment he will have towards you, regardless of how good your relationship is. Instead, it will probably get him totally off the vaping if you change your approach.For the next week, don’t make any negative comments about the vaping and instead tell him how you realize that it really isn’t an easy thing to stop and you feel bad that you have been so insensitive to his needs. Then after a week, when he is in the right mood, ask him if he could do you a favor and skip one vaping time. When he does manage to skip one vaping time, make sure that you tell him how much it means to you. The best way to express this feeling is the next day and maybe make him some food that he really enjoys in appreciation for something that was quite difficult to do which he did because it meant a lot to you. You will probably find that he will make mention that he really would like to kick the habit, but it is too difficult. At this point you can ask him if he would like some ideas which you had that may make it easier to quit. If he is interested, ask him to decide how many times a day he needs to vape, try to get a specific number. For the next week he should vape exactly the amount of times he committed to and if possible to specific times. After a week ask him if he thinks he could manage cutting out one more vape each day. When he agrees, if you learn to give him positive feedback and show him how much it means to you, he will then be on his way to continue cutting down and eventually stopping. So the key to success and stopping his vaping is making him feel you understand him and you accept his vaping. Then and only then will you likely be able to rid the habit from the home”.

On the other hand if this doesn’t work, or if you see that trying to change him isn’t working, be smart, and except him for what he is, and except the situation as it is. Being angry at him for doing something dangerous is not going to help you, and instead, by being angry over it, you will have the problem plus a diminished shalom bayis. Therefore decide to keep it to one problem, not two, and that will only happen if you accept him and the situation and stop fighting it.

I hope things work out well for you, and if you need any other assistance don’t hesitate to contact us..

Tags: Shalom Bayis

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