Rabbi Yehoshua Alt
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Rabbi Alt merited to learn under the tutelage of R’ Mordechai Friedlander Ztz”l for close to five years. He received Semicha from R’ Zalman Nechemia Goldberg Ztz”l. Rabbi Alt has written on numerous topics for various websites and publications and is the author of the Sefer, Fascinating Insights: Torah Perspectives On Unique Topics. His writings inspire people across the spectrum of Jewish observance to live with the vibrancy and beauty of Torah. He lives with his wife and family in a suburb of Yerushalayim where he studies, writes and teaches. The author is passionate about teaching Jews of all levels of observance.
Younger Sibling Marrying Before the Older
The scenario: an older sibling is still single and the younger one has reached the age to date.[1] Should the younger sibling wait for the older?[2] R’ Asher Weiss[3] says that this question seemingly only applies when both siblings found their future mates and the question is who should get married first.[4] When two brothers or sisters are of age, there is no obligation or Mitzva for the younger to wait for the older. This applies surely to a boy as he has a Mitzva of פריה ורביה as well as to a girl sinceטב למיתב טן דו…, it is better to live as two bodies than to live alone.[5] Logic also dictates this for if the younger were to wait for the older, how long would the wait be? Until the older one gets married? That could take years!
R’ Asher Weiss says that the right thing to do is to work on the Shiduch[6] of the younger sibling once the age is reached. If the younger one finds their mate, there shouldn’t be a delay because of the older one.
The Maharsham[7] was asked about a case where one had many daughters from his first wife. After his wife died, he remarried and had a daughter. Then he died and his widow remarried. When her daughter was 22 years old she got engaged. The older sister, who was 27, opposed the marriage since she was older and unmarried. The Maharsham ruled that since it is not Halacha, rather etiquette, and the 22-year-old was already engaged, she should marry immediately without prevention.
On this topic let us mention what the Techailes Mordechai[8] writes. Rashi says[9] regarding twins that the one who is formed first exits the womb second. Consequently, Yaakov was actually the Bechor since he was formed first. The Chida brings in the name of Rabbeinu Efraim[10] that Rachel and Leah were twins and Leah was born first. So according to Yaakov’s view, Rachel was older, since the one who is born second is formed first. Yaakov’s opinion was that Rachel was older and therefore he should marry her first. We learn from this that Yaakov didn’t disagree with Lavan that לא יעשה כן במקומנו לתת הצעירה לפני הבכירה, to give the younger before the elder is not done in our place.[11]
[1] See Baba Basra 120a, Rashbam s.v. במסיבה, and Kidushin 52a, Tosafos. See the Shach in Yoreh Deah 244:13. Also the Bach in 244, s.v. ומ”ש רבינו.
[2] In an astonishing letter (אגרות סופרים, 29) the Chassam Sofer writes about his younger daughter getting married before her older brother, R’ Shimon Sofer. The Chassam Sofer requests from his future mechutan to have the wedding for his daughter in another two years in the hope that by then R’ Shimon would find his mate and get married. He writes that R’ Nosson Adler told him of a case where the younger got married before the older ונכשל (see שו”ת מנחת אשר 2:74:4).
[3] שו”ת מנחת אשר 2:74:3.
[4] See Igros Moshe, אבן העזר 2:1 and אפרקסתא דעניא, אבן העזר, 3, 266. Also Divrei Yatziv, אבן העזר, 9. This is just as we see that there is a precedence to which Bracha of food takes priority when one has two foods in front of him.
[5] Yevamos 118b. That is, a woman prefers even a less than desirable marriage over staying single.
[6] See Tzitz Eliezer 22:52:4.
[7] שו”ת מהרש”ם 3:136.
[8] Vayeitzei. This is the Maharsham’s sefer on Chumash.
[9] Breishis 25:26.
[10] Vayeitzei. On Motzai Shabbos Parshas Vayera, October 28, 2018, a woman in Be’er Sheva gave birth to twins. The boy was born at 1:58 a.m. and his sister was born four minutes later. Because the clock was set back an hour in Eretz Yisrael at 2 a.m., the girl was legally born at 1:02, making her the older one.
[11] 29:26. We can understand Lavan’s words, לא יעשה כן במקומנו לתת הצעירה לפני הבכירה, that it goes according to who was actually born first.
