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Shmiras Halashon & Discsussing Feelings


To the Posek,

I live in a VERY small Jewish community. The way the Rav’s wife dresses bothers me; the standards of tznius are possibly borderline from my perspective and lend itself to an improper message. I would like to discuss my feelings with a Rebbetzin from my hometown community who I respect; however, I’m not sure if its really neccsary and therefore wonder if it would be lashon hara. (Ie its something that I would really like to hear her perspective on to help me appreciate my current rebbetzin and not to slightly disrespect her husband, but I will be fine even if I don’t discuss it)

1) Can I discuss my feelings with my former Rebbetzin even if it is very likely that she will at some point know that I lived in this community and therefore know who I was talking about. (I am almost positive that they already know eachother, at least by name)

2) If when I call her up, she says “I heard you moved to city X!” before I say anything it, does that change anything?

(I think she is the only one who I’d want to discuss it with)

Thank you in advance.


Thank you for your question.

If the rebetzin that you want to discuss this will know the identity of person you are talkng about then it is only permitted if there is a a real toeles in speaking the lashon hora. If you would be speaking to her in order to find a way of how to get this woman to change, then that would be a valid toeles, however if it is just so you can respect her husband better, there are other ways of acheiving this without having to speak lashon hora. You could work on being dan lekaf zechus, that it could be that the Rov doesn’t really want his wife to dress this way, but he doesn’t have much of  choice, etc. Alternitively he might feel that since it is techjnically tzniusdik,in this situation this is what he has to do, although we don’t know his reason. Thoughts along these lines might help your respect for the Rov.

Best wishes

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