Question:
I want to first put this shaila into context.
Over the last year I have begun to suffer with extreme anxiety regarding halacha, specifically in the halachot of a man and wife and nedarim. I constaantly obsess over thinking I have seen blood and on times I have found it too difficult to be intimate with my wife. Unfortunately, there have been times where it has been so difficult that I have effectively made my wife a niddah for a couple of weeks when in fact she was not. Bh, my wife is a wonderfully supportive woman and with her help we are viewing this as a challenge from Hashem that we will face together. I have started to seek counselling from a local Jewish therapist and bh I am doing better. With Hashems help I daven that over time we will overcome this challenge.
My question is as follows. There have been several times where things have been really bad, and I have said “I can’t do this anymore”. My wife has also said “she doesn’t want to do it anymore” (it referring to being intimate together). I love my wife dearly and I would never really mean that I do not want to be with her again. I worry if we have ever said something along these lines in the form of a neder. I do not remember every time exactly how I said it. Also, when situations like this occur, I struggle with thinking bad thoughts along the lines of never being with each other again. I do not want these thoughts to be true, but sometimes I just cannot get them out of my head.
I understand that this may seem strange and like I said I am seeking professional help with this matter. Would any of the above mean that we have committed to a neder of never being together again? If this is something that requires hatarat nedarim how do I do this as I obviously do not want to share this with anyone? Also do you have any advice on how to ensure that in general I do not take on any nederim? I try to say bli neder before doing things that might be a neder but is there something I can do once that will cover me for ever?
I thank you for your understanding.
Answer:
Thank you for your question.
In order for as statement to be a neder or a shvua, it has to have a specific text, meaning and intention. What you and your wife were saying were not considered a shvua or a neder. Rather it is clear that these statements were merely said in frustration, and you merely meant to say that that it is hard for you, but not that it should be forbidden to you. Therefore you don’t have to worry that they might be a neder.
Looking forward, it would help you to be “moser moda’ah” in front of three men that any statement that any action that you do, which might end up turning into a neder that you don’t want it to actually become a neder. This will work when you mistakenly do something good a number of times without saying beforehand that it is bli neder.
Regarding nedarim that you ae nervous that you might have said. The Steipler (Krayono D’igrisa 1-271) says that a person that has such anxiety, such as what you have, that anything that you say that you suspect might be a neder is surely NOT a neder, and that you don’t have to, and should not be worried about it.
Best wishes
Sources:
Rema Y:D 211-1, Salmas Chaim Y:D 62, Minchas Shomo 1-91(20), Kol Nidrei 81-13.
