Question:
Most orthodox couples where I live, don’t have a kid right away once they are married and wait a year or two or even three years before having a kid.
These are G-D fearing and religious yidden and there is no doubt that they got a heter to do so.
My question is,
What could be the reason all of these newly wed couples don’t have kids for a few years after they get married?
I know that each case is different and needs to be taken to a Rav but let’s say both the man and woman are completely healthy mentally and physically but they aren’t ready to have a kid yet, or they are not able to,
Either in terms of studying / work/ education which many newlyweds have as the heter or they want to wait a bit to feel more ready.
Are these valid reasons?
I know the Rambam says not to push it off but I would say based off what I’ve seen over 90% don’t have a child right away,
And they are healthy couples so I assume that they either aren’t ready or they are currently in school and wouldn’t be able to.
Thank you,
Also if one goes based off a Rav’s heter and people have no reason to suspect the Rabbi is not knowledgeable or would possibly give the wrong advice to someone. If they are given the heter and in fact it was not allowed let’s say, when the couple goes to shamayim will they be judged?
Since they went by a heter and when you go by what a Rav paskens you aren’t held liable.
Looking for some insight on this,
Would appreciate sources too
Thanks
Answer:
Hello,
Your question is based on a very good midda, or being dan l’kav zechus, and that is a very important attribute. I can’t comment, on the questions that these people asked, but I would be inclined to say that most of them did not ask their Rov, and that many of them might not know that there are issues involved with taking birth control. Unfortunately, the idea of “Family planning”, is ingrained in many people and they don’t know that there are halachic issues involved here.
They might just not know that having children is a commandment that we are not allowed to push off. They might not know that the Rambam says this clearly, and is indeed the halacha written in the Shulchan Aruch (see sources) that a couple that has not yet fulfilled the mitzva of procreating, may not miss out on even one opportunity to do so. They might also not know that even when a Rov will rule that it is halacically permitted, it will only be after the couple has fulfilled the mitzva of pru urvu (has a boy and a girl). They might also not know that certain type for birth control can involve the prohibition of the husband to waste seed, etc.
How about trying to engage some of your friends, in a non-confrontational, and not personal way, by bringing up the topic of birth control and asking a Rov, and you will be able to tell very clearly if they asked a Rov about this, before they decided on their own.
Yes, there are definitely circumstances that halachically it would be permitted, however, to start off marriage this way, and abstain from having children for personal convenience, etc., is usually against halacha.
Regarding your other question, if the person goes to a Rov who is knowledgeable, and a yarei shomayim, andvalues halacha properly, they will be able to say in shomayim that this is what thier Rov told them to do.
Best wishes
Sources:
רמב”ם הלכות אישות פרק טו הלכה א “האשה שהרשת את בעלה אחר הנישואין שימנע עונתה הרי זה מותר, במה דברים אמורים בשהיו לו בנים שכבר קיים מצות פריה ורביה אבל אם לא קיים חייב לבעול בכל עונה עד שיהיו לו בנים מפני שהיא מצות עשה של תורה שנ’ +בראשית א’ כ”ח, נח ט’ א, נח ט’ ז’+ פרו ורבו.” שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן עו סעיף ו “האשה שהרשית את בעלה אחר שנשאת שימנע עונתה, ה”ז מותר. בד”א, שקיים מצות פריה ורביה. אבל אם לא קיים, חייב לבעול בכל עונה עד שיקיים”. וגם ע’ בית שמואל אבה”ע ס’ א ס”ק א’.
וע’ מסורת משה ח”ב עמ’ ש”ח אות ז’ “ואמר לי רבינו שבא רב אחד ושאלו אודות איש ואשה שניהם רופאים שטוענים שא”א להם להוליד ילדים עכשיו אך רוצים להתחתן וביקשו עצה איך למנוע הריון והשיב רבינו שאין מה לדבר בשאלה כזה שבשלמא מי שיש לו כמה ילדים נו יש לחקור אבל להתחתן לכתחילה אדעתיה דהכי בטח אסור”. וכן ע’ אגרות משה אבה”ע ח”ר ס’ ל”ב אתו ג’.
