Question:
I befriended a girl 3 years ago in 9th grade. This girl was more on the quiet side, nice, and fun to be around. She didn’t have too many friends, and I was pretty comfortable with my friends, but I sort of made it my job to be friends with her. We became very close after a few years of friendship. Everything was going well until last year, in 11th grade, I noticed that this girl, my “really good friend,” wasn’t being so honest with me. But, as any good friend would, I would always find a reason why what she did was acceptable. I first noticed it was during midwinter break last year, when she lied and said she was going with her family, but she actually went with two girls from my class. Then it was her Israel trip in the summer. She lied and said she was going with her married brother, but she went with a girl in my class. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, was she had to have an x-ray done, and she lied, saying she was having a dangerous surgery. I was worried sick about her. I made her a get well package, called her mother to ask when it was ok to come over, and her mother said she was totally fine, just an x-ray. I was always a very devoted, caring friend. I would do anything for anyone, and I felt this was just an emotional burden on me, and I never knew when I could trust her or not. I thought the lying was over, but it wasn’t, we had seminary interviews and we had to travel to Lakewood, so I figured I’d get a ride with her, She lied that her parents were taking her and there was no room, and I found out in school that she went with 3 girls in my class with a private driver. These are just a few things that stuck out. This has been happening on a daily basis. Another shocking thing about her is that when I became friends with her, I sort of brought her into my group of friends, but no one really became close with her except for one of my friends. This girl also noticed these things were happening, so she slowly separated herself from her in a nice way. And she kept telling me that whatever she was doing was wrong, and what was interesting was that this girl kept telling me that this girl your friends with isn’t a good girl, she makes you run after her, and she doesn’t really want to be friends with you, and this was my good friend, she was talking about who I was friends with before she joined my group of friends, so I’m kind of stuck now, not knowing what to do. I know this girl I befriended is a problem with her I just don’t know the halachic way how to approach this. Can you help me with that?
Answer:
Hello,
Friendships can often get complicated, and you need to assess, why do you want to keep on being her friend. Does she have good middos (aside from her lying issue) that you will gain from them? If you feel that the relationship with her will be detrimental to your middos, etc., then you would want to downgrade the level of the friendship, because you don’t want to be negatively influenced by her lying. This would be similar to what your friend did, she separated herself from her in a nice way.
On the other hand there is still room to be dan lekaf zechus, that for whatever reason, she was afraid of hurting your feelings, and therefore she lied to you, in order not to make you feel bad. How is she in other areas regarding lying? Do you catch her lying in other situations aside from hiding things from you? Additionally, you might want to bring up the subject of honesty when hiding things, without saying anything about her lying to you. Rather talking about other situations when people lied, in order to get out of things. See how she reacts and what she answers. This will give you a better picture of what she is about, and it might help you assess what measures you should take.
Best wishes
