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Insulting the other side when breaking a Shidduch


Kavod haRav,
What would be an appropriate way to decline dating someone further? How should a girl express that she appreciates the boy but it is not a match without hurting his feelings and also maintaining tznius by not being overly complimentary to him?
Thank you.




When breaking a shidduch, if the boy wants to continue, where is no way to do it that his feelings will not be hurt, however you should do it with as much consideration for his feelings as you can. You can let him know, that he is a good person, however you don’t feel that the two of you are a match. Here are some suggestions to lower the level of hurt that he will have. If you have someone else, who you think might be a better match for him, you can tell him about it.  Another idea based on something I heard from Rav Zaidel Epstein zt”l. That when someone has to tell someone else difficult news, they should break it up into stages, so that it will be easier for the person to absorb it and accept it. If you can break it up into numerous stages, that is even better (but don’t drag it out too long). For example, you can convey the message that you have something that you want to think about, then a day or two later, you can tell him that you have certain doubts if the two of you are meant for each other. Additionally, if this can be done by the shadchan, (in a few steps) it is even better, as it is much less awkward, and painful.

Hashem should send both of you your correct zivug soon.


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