Redressing Grievances
Is it enough to ask for forgiveness? How does one atone for hurting another person? Does saying "I forgive you" carry any meaning? Is the principle "thoughts don’t count" applied for asking for forgiveness? When does speech override thought, and when is the opposite true? Why is it prohibited to nullify chometz while intending to keep it? Can we rely on the prayer recited before Shema at night in which we declare we forgive and absolve all offenders? If a person knows that the offended has forgiven and absolved him wholeheartedly, does he still need to appease him? Is bearing a grudge permissible, if the offender never asked for forgiveness? Our weekly article delves into this question and much more.
How To Ask for Forgiveness
In this week’s parasha, we read how Moav tried to destroy the Jewish nation by paying Bil’am, a world-renowned magician and prophet, to curse them. However, surprisingly, the Torah emphasizes (Devarim 23:4-6): "No Ammonite or Moabite may enter the assembly of the Lord, even to the tenth generation; none of them may enter the assembly of the Lord forever, because they did not meet you with bread and water on the way when you came out of Egypt, and because they hired Bil’am son of Beor from Petor of Aram-Naharaim to curse you."
Why are no Ammonites or Moabites permitted to convert to Judaism? Because they didn’t offer food and drink, and because they paid for Bil’am to curse them. Paying to annihilate the Jews does not seem to be on the same scale as not greeting them with food. How can a complaint about an unpleasant neighbor who did not invite you to dinner when you moved in be compared to his hiring a mobster to kill you? Even more astonishing is the fact that not greeting them with food is listed first in the pasuk.
The Torah teaches us that all heinous acts, even murder, are not born of nothing. They begin with a selfish and stingy nature—people who see only their own desires and fail to recognize the needs of others. This is evident in their refusal to offer travelers bread and water unless it served their own agenda. From such a mindset, it’s a small skip and a jump to eliminating anyone who stands in their way.
The Jewish nation, by contrast, views all creatures as partners in their mission of increasing G-d’s glory. Our deepest desire is to help everyone gain the tools to reveal that glory. Last week, we discussed why the Torah demands us to forgive wrongdoers and even pray for them. Every person plays a role in bringing the world to its rectification, and our greatest personal longing is for the entire universe to fulfill its role, leading to the uplifting moment we pray for on Rosh Hashanah: "That every being will know that You created them, and every creature will understand that You formed them, and all who have breath in their nostrils will declare 'The Lord G-d of Yisrael is King, and His kingdom rules over all.'" Thus, when the wrongdoer apologizes, our interest is in their success in contributing to the world's rectification, and we forgive him.
This week’s article will continue on this topic from another angle: how should the offender appease the offended?
Apologizing
The Gemara (Yoma 85b) states: "Transgressions between a person and their fellow are not atoned for on Yom Kippur until they appease their fellow." In other words, it’s not just about apologizing; true atonement requires actions that genuinely earn the forgiveness of the wronged person.
The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 2:10), after quoting the Gemara, adds: "It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and not be appeased; rather, one should be easily appeased and difficult to anger. When the sinner asks for forgiveness, one should forgive wholeheartedly and willingly, even if the wrong was severe. One should not seek revenge or bear a grudge. This is the way of the Jewish people and their correct heart. However, idol worshipers do not follow this way, as it says: 'And the Gibeonites are not of the children of Yisrael.'
In last week’s article, we emphasized that the Jewish people’s mission is to work towards the rectification of the world, rather than pursuing personal fulfillment. Therefore, when someone regrets the harm they caused, our personal interest lies in everyone fulfilling their role, so together we achieve complete rectification. This idea can be likened to an army: if a member of the air force is wronged by a navy member, the air force soldier should accept the apologies and cooperate to ensure the army wins the battle. However, if personal ambition takes precedence, one might avoid cooperation to ensure the offending commander does not get credit, even at the cost of a lost battle and weakened national security.
The Gemara (Bava Kamma 92b) states that the court uses different criteria to determine monetary compensation for public shaming or physically harming people of varying social status. However, no amount of monetary compensation can atone for the pain caused by a wrongdoer’s actions. Even if he brings all the 'rams of Nevaiot' in the world (the best sacrificial rams), his actions will remain unforgiven until he apologizes.
This principle is illustrated when G-d told Avimelech, after he took Sarah from Avraham, "Now return the man’s wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you, and you shall live." Although the verse does not explicitly mention that Avimelech must verbally ask for forgiveness, it is implied that in order for Avraham to pray for him, Avimelech must seek his forgiveness.
The Meiri (quoted in Shitah Mekubetzes, Bava Kamma 92b) explains that the verse teaches us that Avimelech had to seek Avraham’s forgiveness “until he forgives you with a good heart so much that he will pray for you.” Seeking forgiveness is not just a matter of saying "I'm sorry" insincerely and receiving a superficial response of "all is forgiven and forgotten." True forgiveness is a process in which the wrongdoer must earn the wholehearted forgiveness of the wronged person.
The Maharshal (Yam Shel Shlomo, Yevamos 8:27) reinforces this by citing the Gemara (Yevamos 79a), which describes how King David sought to appease the Giveonites for Shaul's actions against them. He asked, "What shall I do for you? And how can I atone, that you may bless the inheritance of the Lord?" Even if the wronged party has forgiven and absolved the wrongdoer, G-d does not forgive the transgression until the wronged person prays for the wrongdoer. Therefore, one must appease and ask the wronged person to pray for them.
The Maharshal further emphasizes that it is a great mitzvah for the wronged person to be appeased, forgive, and pray wholeheartedly for the wrongdoer. Avraham exemplified this by forgiving and praying for Avimelech. In contrast, the Giveonites refused to pray for Yisrael until they were allowed to avenge Shaul's family. Consequently, the Sages decreed that one may not marry the Giveonites due to their bad character traits. This demonstrates that the nature of the Jewish People is to forgive and absolve.
Reconciliation vs. Apologizing
To illustrate this, let's consider the following example:
Reuven carelessly pushed his way onto a bus and accidentally stepped on Shimon's foot, right on Shimon’s painful corn. Shimon yelped in pain and directed a string of curses at Reuven. Reuven responded, "Sorry sir, it was unintentional, but why are you making such a big fuss? Mistakes happen." This kind of cold apology only fueled the flames, prompting Shimon to hurl more insults. Reuven, in turn, mocked him, saying, "You're acting like a child. Can't you see it was a mistake? So what if I stepped on your foot? What's the big deal? Can't you forgive? I apologized, but you seem not to understand it was simply a mistake," and he walks away.
Obviously, the painful encounter will resurface every time the two meet, and the apology got him nowhere. The hurtful exchange did not acknowledge the wrongdoing and did nothing to appease Shimon's injured feelings. Instead, it just fueled the flames of discontent and pain.
Now, imagine a second scenario:
Reuven carelessly steps on Shimon's foot, right on a corn. Shimon yelps in pain and hurls a colorful curse. Reuven stops in his tracks and says, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was really careless and hurt you. I apologize sincerely, from the depths of my heart. From now on, I'll be more careful. I wish I could undo what happened; it was really wrong of me. I sincerely ask for your forgiveness." Naturally, Shimon, despite his painful corn, feels calmer and says, "It's alright, everyone makes mistakes. You couldn't have known I had a painful corn just there." Reuven continues to apologize, "Oh, it was even on a corn. You're a real trooper for taking it so well and forgiving me. I truly admire you. I was wrong, and you're such a special person for forgiving. What can I do for you?"
The conversation becomes friendly, and despite the occasional reminder of the sharp physical pain from the corn, they part as good friends, sharing positive memories whenever they meet.
These scenarios clearly illustrate how emotional and personal injury is often more painful than physical injury. Additionally, they highlight the difference between an apology where the offender admits fault but doesn't reconcile with the victim and tries to downplay the event, and a genuine, heartfelt apology that fosters reconciliation and understanding.
Saying "I Forgive You"
Often, people ask for forgiveness, and the victim, not wanting to appear bitter or angry, says they forgive. Sometimes, they may even say this just to get rid of the offender, finding their presence burdensome. But is this expression of forgiveness truly effective, or is it meaningless if the offender has not genuinely reconciled with the victim?
The Chayei Adam, in his will to his children (chapter 20), emphasizes that simply apologizing is insufficient. He warns: "One must ask for forgiveness until it is clear that the person has forgiven wholeheartedly, as explained in the laws of Yom Kippur." True reconciliation requires more than an apology; one must seek to appease the victim until the hurt is genuinely healed.
Unspoken Words Don’t Count
There is a rule that "unspoken intentions are not legally meaningful" (Kiddushin 49b). This means that if someone says one thing but thinks the opposite, they are bound by their words, not their thoughts. Why, then, is a verbal statement of forgiveness not sufficient?
The Tosafos (Kesubos 78a) explains that this rule only applies when it is not apparent that the person thinks otherwise in their heart. If it is clear that the person feels differently, this rule does not apply. Therefore, if the forgiveness is insincere and it is evident that the person is still hurt, we cannot rely on the rule of "unspoken intentions are not legally meaningful."
Rabbi Akiva Eiger (23) poses a different question on this rule. He asks why does someone who recites "kol chamira" (nullifying chametz before Pesach) but intends to keep their valuable chametz still transgress the prohibition of owning chametz on Pesach? Why doesn't the verbal nullification suffice?
He explains that the rule of "unspoken intentions are not legally meaningful " applies only to matters that depend on speech, such as writing a divorce document, closing a deal, or making vows. In these cases, the rule applies because the actions rely on spoken words. However, nullification is a matter of the heart and is not dependent on speech. The spoken declaration merely expresses one's intention. Therefore, where a person’s speech does not align with his intentions, his speech is ineffective.
In light of these explanations, it is well understood that forgiveness is not lip service of saying "I forgive you" but removal of all traces of resentment from the heart through reconciliation and appeasement. Therefore, as long as there is resentment in the heart, the verbal statement "I forgive you" is worthless.
Relying on the Bedtime Shema Statement "I Forgive Everyone"
The Pele Yoetz (Teshuva) raises an intriguing question: considering that it is customary to say every night before the bedtime Shema, "I forgive and pardon anyone who has angered or offended me," why should offenders have to embarrass themselves and face the discomfort of seeking forgiveness? Why can't they rely on the fact that the victim forgives and pardons everyone, every night?
His answer offers profound insight into the nature of the requirement to appease a victim or apologize. He writes that even if the victim is a righteous person who, immediately after being wronged, shows superhuman strength and completely forgives the offender, the offender will still be punished if he does not seek forgiveness. This is illustrated by a story in the Gemara (Yoma 87a) about a butcher who wronged the Amora, Rav. Although Rav forgave the butcher, Rav went out of his way to visit the butcher's shop on Erev Yom Kippur to give the butcher an opportunity to seek his forgiveness before the holy day. The butcher ignored him and refused to ask for forgiveness, and he was punished that same evening, when a bone he was cutting flew off and struck his face, causing a fatal injury. For the butcher to be forgiven in Heaven, it was not enough for Rav to have forgiven him; the butcher also needed to seek his forgiveness and appease him. Acknowledging our own wrongdoings and appeasing a victim is not only intended to give the story a happy ending. It is meant to change us, and make us better people.
Additionally, the Pele Yoetz notes that many recite the forgiveness formula without truly meaning it and still harbor resentment towards the offender. Some do not even understand the Hebrew text and recite it as a ritual or prayer without any intention of forgiveness. The proof is that despite reciting the formula at night, they continue bearing grudges the next morning. Therefore, he advises those who don’t speak Hebrew to say this formula before the bedtime Shema in a language they understand.
He concludes that if the offender is too embarrassed and cannot overcome the discomfort, they should send a messenger or a letter, as it helps overcome the shame and discomfort.
On the topic of Speech, the Pele Yoetz warns his readers to be very careful not to invoke Divine retribution. One should never say to the offender, "Heaven will punish you," either in front of them or by praying to G-d to take revenge on them. The Gemara (Rosh Hashanah 16b) explains that doing so causes one's own actions to be scrutinized first to determine if they deserve punishment for their own sins. Those who train themselves to say and think in their hearts that they wish for G-d to forgive everyone who has wronged them will be beloved in Heaven, and endearing to people in this world.
Bearing a Grudge After Forgiveness
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter (Ohr Yisrael, Netivot Ohr, p. 58) adds an important point: although there are situations in which one is allowed to bear a grudge against someone, once they have reconciled and forgiven, they no longer have the right to hold onto it. Continuing to hold a grudge after forgiving violates a severe prohibition, similar to someone who demands payment of a forgiven debt.
