Question:
Around a decade ago, I dated a guy for a few months and got close to engagement. Thankfully it did not work out. Unfortunately although I knew deep inside for a while that he was not for me, my heart did not agree. Due to the amount of time we dated and unbeknownst to me at the time, emotional neglect that I suffered as a child which resulted in low self esteem and whatnot, I had a very difficult time getting over this guy. I felt extremely lonely and heartbroken and did not have a proper support network. I was in a terrible place. I am someone who was very lonely growing up so getting close to someone and feeling like life will get better was very hard for me.
I fell into very bad habits post breakup. I physically stalked him, continuously googled his name online, called him anonymously and unfortunately sent him anonymous messages. I called and emailed his business and made random inquiries that were never followed through.
Some of the messages that I sent him were potentially very harmful. I once found out he was dating someone and texted him from a fake number pretending to be the girl. I did the same thing to the girl pretending to be him.
At a different event, I knew he was dating someone and sent him random inappropriate messages.
I don’t know the extent of the harm I may have caused because I was not in touch with the guy.
Thank GD, I stopped these behaviors after they got pretty bad and realized that not only is what I am doing wrong but it is ruining my life. Years have past and I am in a much better place right now.
I sent him an apology message before Yom Kippur a few years ago but it was anonymous and somewhat vague so I’m not sure if it counts.
My question is, with Yom Kippur slowly approaching, these events being a few years back, would I still be obligated in asking him for mechilla? If yes, what sort of mechila am I obligated in? If I need to be in touch with him verbally, how much detail do I need to go into? I would love to be able to put this behind me .
Answer:
Hello,
The best thing would be to get this thing totally over with and behind you. You most probably caused him significant heartache, and it needs that you ask him mechila. I would suggest that you up front about it. Send him an e-mail, not anonymous, but letting him know that it was you, the break up was very hard on you, as it was very hard for you to seperate, and therefore you were doing all these inappropriate things. But now you are in a much better place, and past it, and you want to ask him mechila, (very similar to what you wrote to us). Explain to him that the relationship at that time meant a lot to you, and unfortunately this caused your improper behavior. You are embarrassed by it, therefore you rewriting him an e-mail, but you want to ask him mechila, for the pain that your actions caused him.
IY"H the letter will be successful, and he will be mochel, and you will be able to move on in life, get married (if you aren't married yet) and build or continue to build a fine Jewish home.
Best wishes
"IY”H the letter will be successful, and he will be mochel, and you will be able to move on in life, get married (if you aren’t married yet) and build or continue to build a fine Jewish home."
AMEN!
Leave a comment