Question:
Hi,
I wanted to ask you regarding a couple of questions:
I had a very hard time a few yrs back with my youngest brother, who bullied me extremely, emotionally/verbally. It was a very trying time for me.
I went for therapy after for quite some time and it helped me to move past that but I still haven't been able to forgive him for that.
When I speak with him now, we're bh on good terms and can have long, easy conversations.
But when he asks me every yr. for mechillah in general, I've told him I can forgive for this yr but not for what he did to me back then. What I was completely shocked to hear from him was that he took no blame for it, and denied that he had anything to repair, blaming it on me instead. I was completely astounded. I still haven't been able to forgive him, as well as because I find it would be an 'injustice' to myself, after all the hurt and terrible anguish he caused me.
But I read that those who don't forgive others aren't allowed במחיצתו של הקב"ה.
Please advise (as I definitely don't want to have to suffer even more in the next world,
G-d forbid!) So what am I meant to do?
2. There have been ppl who have either wronged me or tried me over and over to the point where I did get frustrated and either verbally lashed-out at them, or exerted my power over them (such as confiscating the object they were using to taunt me with etc.)
Perhaps I could have had more patience, but it would have taken extreme self-restraint and patience, which I don't have (as of yet).
But as a result, I ended up causing them to feel hurt or upset (but which wouldn't have happened had they not pushed me in that way and hurt me initially!)
Is this something I need to ask forgiveness from them for? I don't really know how I could be expected to have acted otherwise though, I'm not an angel!
3. I've tried to do תשובה along the year to anyway work on things I slip up with and build 'fences' for myself and do teshuva on those sins I have slipped up with, so how I'm I supposed to approach the ימים נוראים (and particularly saying the ויידוי and סליחות), when I feel like I've already done תשובה on the areas I slip up with, or otherwise I'm working on them?
Thanks very much in advance!
Answer:
Hello,
- The gemora (Shabbos 149b) that says that a person who other suffer because of him is not allowed במחיצתו של הקב"ה, means if the person davened that the other person be punished. However, if someone sinned and hurt someone else, although it is a midas chassidus to be mochel him, the hurt person is not obligated to be mochel, so long that the person doesn’t feel remorse, and doesn’t want to ask him mechila. If h person indeed feels bad about what was done then the person should not be cruel, and should be mochel. It would be nice and preferable for you to be mochel, however you are not obligated to do so, and you won’t be punished for it.
- It is true you are not an angel, and we all make mistakes. Life is for growing, and even if we make mistakes, we get up, correct ourselves and move on. As in all fights, usually there is fault on both sides, therefore, if possible , ask the other person mechila. After all, you’re not an angel, but you do want to correct whatever part of the fight you were incorrect about.
- What you are writing is wonderful. How we all wish we would teshuva all year long. This is great. The fact that you slip up, only shows that you indeed are human and normal. It is important to remember that there are many levels to teshuva, teshuva means to get closer to Hashem, and every step that we take which brings us closer is included in teshuva. If you used to make a certain mistake five ties a day and after working on yourself you are only doing it twice a day or once a week, that is great, you’re getting there. This shows that you indeed got better and did real teshuva. Now you will reinforce your kabala, or change it (and make it easier) so that you can really keep it, and this way you will be taking another step closer to Hashem. I once heard, from R' Zaidel Epstein zt”l, ( Mashgiach of Torah Ohr) that even if a person makes a kabala for a week, it is considered teshuva, since the person did grow and get a tiny bit closer to Hashem thru it, (Or course we don’t want to stop at that, but at least the idea we can understand.) Therefore, keep on going, you’re doing great!
Kesiva vchasima tova
Sources:
קובץ שיטות קמאי -שבת קמט: בד"ה מר זוטרא בריה דר' נחמן בשם יחוסי תנאים ואמוראים לרבינו יהודה ב"ר קלונימום משניירא רבו של הרוקח ערך מר זוטרא בריה דרב נחמן. וע"ע ראש יוסף מגילה כח. ד"ה לא.