Question:
Lichvod HaRav,
I have a very difficult relationship with my parents, where I am often put down, yelled at, and I have my personal belongings mistreated. I have a lot of pent up frustration and resentment against them (which I very much know I shouldn't have, because they are simply Shaliachs from Hashem!!). I find it very hard to speak to them.
I have recently been encouraged to 'address what's bothering me', as they don't seem to realise how their behaviour effects me. However this advice (?) really seems to go against Kibbud Av Vaem, especially as I don't know how to address these issues in a way that wouldn't make them feel guilty or embarrassed.
Should I be attempting to confront anything with them, even in a professional setting, ie family therapy? I really want to be able to do this incredible Mitzva and all this resentment keeps getting in the way.
Answer:
Hello,
Before answering you, I want to express my respect for your self-control, and your will to do what it correct, even though it is difficult for you. It is very difficult for me to advise you on a sensitive topic such as this, because I don't know you, your temperament nor your parents and their personalities. Therefore I suggest that you ask a person who knows you or at least your family, such as the Rov of your shul, as he is more familiar with the situation in order to advise you.
Aside from this, there might be a few things that you would want to consider, which might help you understand you parents, and as a result might help you deal with your difficulties.
Firstly, are your parents having difficulties, whether it is financial, physical, social, etc., which could be making them tense, and causing them to react towards you strongly, when they wouldn't do so if they didn't have these pressures?
Is there anything that you do, or don't do, that might be upsetting them, of causing underlying friction between you and them?
Is there anything that you can do to enhance your relationship with them, so that they will act more favorably towards you?
Is you kibbud av v'em up to par? Do you help them when they ask you to? Do you talk to them respectfully?
Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean to suggest that you are at fault, however even if you are correct and your parents are getting frustrated with you incorrectly and not treating your properly, there is still a lot that you can do from your side that might help the situation.
Hashem should send you siyata dishmaya.
Best wishes
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