Question:
Chazal say that before one marries a woman he should examine her brothers. I once saw a video of Rav Chaim Kanievsky being asked what to look for, and he said to check if they are normal. The questioner asked what the definition of normal is, and Rav Chaim said "sheyodeya lilmod" which I guess practically means that they don't have learning disabilities etc. My question is, as bochur who's been in shidduchim for 11 years, and given that today so many kids and adults have significant learning, emotional, and mental issues r"l due to toxins in our environment, how much, if at all should I be concerned about this, given that likely any potential issues in a girls family are not genetic in nature, and given that I doubt it's likely to find any girl without a sibling with issues?
I must note that I have 2 uncles on my mother's side, one is successful, the other has major personality problems and learning disabilities and is a failure in life in general; I have 5 siblings and one had behavioral issues similar to my uncle although he's made a lot of progress, and one is significantly delayed developmentally etc. so I see in my own family perhaps how chazal's words need to be taken into consideration.
Answer:
Hello,
It is hard to comment on a video that you saw, and what he said to that person is not necessarily what he would have said to you. (As a side point my understanding of "sheyodeya lilmod") is that the person has mastered what it takes to be able to learn Torah properly and understand gemora etc. correctly. As you write ADD and learning disabilities are quite prevalent nowadays, besides, it is very possible that R’ Chaim zt”l, was talking specifically to that person, and his situation, not to you in your situation.
R’ Stainman zt”l was asked this question (see Meachurei Hapargod pg. 340) and he said a different answer, he said to check the middos of the girl’s siblings, ( not specifically her brothers but also her sisters middos), as the main thing to check for in a shidduch are middos and yiras shomayim.
Best wishes
