Question:
Dear Rabbi,
As a man, I have a female friend who often tells me of their allegedly toxic relations with their parents (who I have met), which has significantly affected their mental wellbeing. My friend says they were not treated well as a child – even beaten – by their parents. Today, despite them being someone in their mid-20s, they tell me that they experience the same treatment when visiting them (my friend and their parents live in different countries.
By way of further context, my friend has told me that they are lonely, have a fear of abandonment and has occasionally mentioned taking their own life. At times they have resorted to illicit drug use and have mis-used the medications they have been prescribed by the doctor.
Over the last six months, I have spent a lot of time with them more or less every day, at the expense of familial and other relationships. I have also taken on debt and gone into personal savings to lend them money to pay for their medication and doctor appointment, all with the intention of trying to get them back on their feet. I have not told them of this, as I do not want to aggravate their seemingly delicate situation.
For example, despite them receiving owning a valuable property and receiving a sufficient monthly income from it for their basic needs, and (albeit they are also searching for a job in addition), it is squandered within a few days on non-essential products, to the extent that they cannot pay for their own treatment. Over time, I have felt that I am the one paying for their ‘mistakes’. I ask myself, is my friend becoming depending on me for support, both monetarily and mentally? I also start to question whether I am being manipulated.
I have also tried to provide them with advice, by, for example, urging them to see a psychologist. But alas, I find that they have not listened in spite of all the time, money and energy I have given to them. I only want to see them happy, but most of the time I experience only negativity and pain from them, which I feel is now starting to affect my life at home, with friends, and at work.
I am finding it difficult in what to do, and I have been studying Pirkei Avos and Mishlei for some guidance. I am trying to continue believing that a good outcome is only around the corner. The current dynamic of this friendship is that I feel responsible, in what is potentially becoming damaging.
On the one hand:
1) I am trying to judge them favourably (Pirkei Avos 1:6);
2) I am trying not to judge my friend until I have reached their place (Pirkei Avos 2:5);
3) I do not want to stop my ears at the cry of the wretched (Mishlei 21:13);
4) I want to be the friend who is devoted at all times (Mishlei 17:17)
On the other hand:
1) Should I be distancing myself from who is possible a bad neighbour? (Pirkei Avos 1:7);
2) Because of the help I have given my friend, do I have the attitude that ‘just as you ignored my attempts to help you, so I will not pity you and I will laugh when you suffer calamity? (Mishlei 1:26);
3) Is my friend like the dog who returns to their vomit? (Mishlei 26:11);
4) I feel a number of the related issues my friend is experiencing is as a result of their own actions, despite me warning them – have they dug a pit which they will fall in? (Mishlei 26:27);
5) Has it come to the point where my friend has spurned my advice and not heard my rebuke? (Mishlei 1:25);
6) Has my friend become dependent on me such that I should I be visiting them sparingly, for fear of them loathing me? (Mishlei 25:17);
What would the wisdom of the Torah guide in this scenario, in addition to my davening?
Thank you Rabbi, and Shabbat Shalom
Answer:
Hello,
Based on what you are writing, I would say that you can cut back to a degree on the support that you give this person, and for two reasons. Firstly, kindness begins at home, and a person has a moral obligation to his wife and children, before helping friends. If the support you are giving is affecting, you and your family, then it is too much.
Secondly, according to what you are writing, it does appear that she is not acting responsibly with the money that you are giving her, and using it for things that are not needed. That being the case, you are not obligated to extend yourself for this.
The first thing needed her is that she should go for help, otherwise she is living in an unhealthy manner, and damaging you. If you want, you can tell her that things are hard for you financially, but you are willing to help her to go for help.
As a side point, having such a relationship with a girl, can lead to unhealthy things, which might call the whole relationship into question.
Best wishes
