Question:
Dear Rabbi,
I am really struggling with ahavas yisroel with a relative through marriage. They live with my family for multiple weeks at a time and on these visits, I find myself losing my composure, not being able to handle things well, and dwelling on the things they do that bother me. I see that this is my problem, not theirs. I would like to have only love for them and learn to not be bothered by my "triggers"and to focus on their good, but I am having trouble putting that into practice. I am wondering if there is anything you can think of maybe books or texts, or Torah thoughts that might encourage me to be able to maintain a higher level ahavas yisroel in this case?
Thank you very much
Answer:
Hello,
From your question it is evident, that you are a growing person, and even when things ae difficult, you don’t succumb to the yetzer hora, rather you fight it. You have my deep respect!
Dealing with in -law, and one’s spouse’s family are not easy. Mother-in-laws, and sister in laws, etc. are not born witches, and the proof is that IY”H you will be mother-in-law on day. Your in-laws are most probably fine people, and the relationship with them can be great, however one has to know that there is a built-in subconscious friction, between the two of you, and it can cause us to over react to any slight, insult, or any other one of a million things that a person can get hurt from. A person can get insulted form their sister, (which happens quite often) and within a day or two, you’ll be willing to make up, and like them again. But if your sister-in-law will tell you the same thing, it can take months to get over it. This fact is important to know, I order to be able to combat your yetzer hora, when something does crop up. Know that although what was said was insulting, but being that she is a sister-in-law, you are emotionally overreacting, and you have to fight that feeling.
There is a fantastic book, written by R’ Zelig Pliskin shlit”a called Anger: The Inner Teacher, and in his book, he gives guidance how a person can train himself to look at things differently, which will combat the cause of the person’s getting annoyed ad angry. This book might help you.
Best wishes
Sources:
יבמות קיז. לענין עדות, קידושין פ"א : בענין יחוד, וע' באגרות בעל הפמ"ג (הקדמה לשו"ע) ערך חמת, שזה הטעם למה קוראין לחמות שם הזה משום הכאס ושנאה הזאת.
