In this week’s parasha we learn about Yaakov Avinu’s marriages and the birth of his children, the Twelve Tribes of Am Yisroel. Inspired by this theme, we will begin exploring the deeper meanings behind the laws and customs of a Jewish wedding. This week, we will focus on the matchmaking process.
Is it necessary for the bride and groom to meet before their engagement, or can it be skipped? Why does dating seem to be a modern invention? Does the modern Hebrew term for engagement—erusin—accurately reflect the halachic concept of erusin? Can a couple move directly from dating to the wedding ceremony, or to kiddushin with a ring? Why is a plate broken at the vort, and a glass shattered under the chuppah? What is the significance of a vort or lechaim? What role do the tena’im play, and what is their halachic significance? Can an engagement be kept secret?
These questions—and others—will be addressed in the following article.
From Beis Yaakov to Am Yisroel
This week’s parasha recounts the events surrounding Yaakov’s marriages to Rachel and Leah. It begins with his fateful meeting with Rachel, followed by the agreement between Yaakov and Lavan, Yaakov’s seven years of dedicated labor for Rachel and Lavan’s betrayal. It goes on and describes Yaakov’s marriage to Leah, his subsequent marriage to Rachel, and the additional seven years of labor. Finally, we learn of the result: the birth of the Twelve Tribes of Am Yisroel.
Many wedding laws and customs are rooted in this week’s parasha. Inspired by this theme, we will delve into the meaning behind these practices. While most readers may be familiar with the laws and customs of a Jewish wedding, the underlying significance often remains unclear. Why does a Jewish wedding follow its particular structure? What is the purpose behind these customs? Additionally, we will clarify the distinction between halacha and minhag in marriage.
Though all Jewish communities share a common foundation, the customs differ across traditions. Some variations are profound, while others are more symbolic. This article will strive to highlight the essential halachos and their meanings.
Order of Events
A Jewish marriage usually begins with meetings (or what we know today as “dates”) between the two prospective marriage partners. Once they agree to marry, there is a formal engagement ceremony known as a vort, eirusin, or tena'im. In Ashkenazi communities, the next event is the aufruf – the groom is honored on the Shabbos preceding the wedding with an aliyah. The wedding day itself features numerous laws and customs performed during the kiddushin and chuppah, as we will detail further. The festivities conclude with the sheva brachos—celebratory meals held over the seven days following the wedding.
Dates or Meetings in Jewish Custom
Halacha explicitly forbids betrothing (performing kiddushin: what is today done by giving the bride a ring) a woman without first meeting with her (Kiddushin 41a; Shulchan Aruch, EH 35:1). This ensures the groom will not discover something later that he could have noticed that would cause marital discord.
In earlier times, shidduchim were often arranged by parents, sometimes through intermediaries, without direct meetings between the couple or even their parents. How does this coincide with the halacha mentioned above? The Beis Shmuel (EH 35:2) explains that in those days, a shidduch agreement was merely a declaration of intent, not actual kiddushin. Before kiddushin the bride and groom would meet, at which point the agreement could still be annulled if they found something unagreeable in either party.
This leniency was also influenced by practical challenges: Jewish communities were small, traveling was difficult, and shidduch options were limited. Once a match that met the basic requirements of both families was found, the shidduch was finalized even if the groom was unable to meet the bride until just before the wedding.
The Maharal Tzuntz (Tiv Kiddushin, EH 35:1) opposes this practice. He argues that annulling the agreement after the shidduch was finalized causes embarrassment to both parties, and he advocated for couples to meet earlier in the process, allowing them to back out without public disgrace.
Contemporary Practice
Today, it is standard practice in all Jewish communities for a couple to meet before finalizing a shidduch. Nevertheless, there are differences regarding the number of meetings or introductions considered necessary before the engagement.
Long courtships can be detrimental to the process and may undermine the stability of a future marriage. At the same time, some degree of familiarity is essential, as noted in the Gemara, to ensure the couple feels ready to proceed with the match.
There is ongoing discussion among rabbinic authorities as far as the optimal number of dates, and every community is encouraged to follow their local custom to ensure the best outcome.
Engagement
Halacha prohibits marrying a woman without first finalizing the engagement (Kiddushin 12b; Shulchan Aruch, EH 26:4). While the Rema suggests there is no punishment for violating this prohibition, the Maharshal (Responsa 25) and Ezer Mekodesh affirm that it remains forbidden.
This halacha was particularly significant in earlier times, when the kiddushin (betrothal) occurred approximately a year prior to the marriage. This interim period allowed for preparations for the wedding. Nowadays, however, kiddushin and nisu’in (marriage) are conducted together in a single ceremony.
Before kiddushin, the shidduch must first be finalized, ensuring both parties fully agree and are ready for marriage. Only after this preparation may kiddushin take place since once kiddushin take place, the couple is halachically married, and dissolving the relationship requires a get (divorce). This space ensures that the process is a thoughtful, deliberate one. Rushed, impulsive marriages undermine the sanctity of the union, making it a superficial flippant relationship.
How is engagement finalized? Shut Beis Yosef (EH 1) discusses if it is enough for the couple to reach agreement between themselves, or if something more formal – such as such as drafting a written commitment or publicizing the agreement -- needs to take place to give the agreement more weight.
The Ginas Veradim (EH 2:11) requires no additional action, seeing complete mutual consent between the couple enough to fulfil the above-mentioned halachic requirement.
There are various customs as to how to formalize a match and ensure mutual consent before the wedding. We will examine the most common practices.
The Vort or Lechaim
Immediately after agreeing to marry, many throw a spontaneous party for only immediate family and friends. At this party a memorandum of the agreements is drafted, or a verbal confirmation of the engagement is made.
The Pnei Menachem (Pnei Melech, p. 7) explains the origin of the term vort (Yiddish for "word") with reference to the Gemara (Kiddushin 9b). While verbal commitments are generally not binding without a formal action, verbal agreements made at the moment of kiddushin are legally binding because the seriousness of the occasion makes the commitment binding, even without a formal action or written document.
The Mitzhalos Chassanim (1:2) explains that finalizing a match with a celebratory meal creates a binding obligation to see the engagement through. This principle is rooted in the pasuk (Tzefania 3:13): "The remnant of Yisrael will do no wrong, speak no lies, nor will deceitful speech be found in their mouths." The term vort thus emphasizes the reliability of a Jewish word and commitment.
Additionally, Mitzhalos Chassanim (ibid.) mentions that the vort symbolizes the Divine proclamation made 40 days before a person's conception: "The daughter of so-and-so is destined for so-and-so."
"Tena’im" (Conditions)
During the celebration, many sign a shtar tena’im (conditions contract). This document outlines the mutual commitment to proceed with the marriage, the financial support the couple will receive, and an agreement of both the bride and groom to manage their shared assets fairly and honestly. The Mishnah Brura (545:21) notes that the shtar tena’im used today are akin to the shtar pesikta mentioned in the Gemara (Kesubos 102a).
The purpose of signing these agreements is twofold: to formalize the commitments, and to fulfil the halachic requirement to perform kiddushin only after the match is finalized. The Ginas Veradim (EH 2:11) notes a tradition in some communities not to make a wedding without first signing a shtar tena’im. Where there is no binding custom, writing a shtar tena’im is voluntary and some opt to forgo it.
Rabbenu Tam (Sefer HaYashar, Chiddushim 200; Tosefos Nedarim 27b; cited as halacha in the Taz, EH 50:11) explains that historically, tena’im were formalized in the presence of the entire community. This safeguard ensured the halachic validity of the commitment, preventing it from being classified as an unenforceable pledge (asmachta).
The Taz (EH 50:12) notes the prevalent custom at his time (nearly 400 years ago) was to hold a small intimate event (zichron devarim) to mark the agreement to marry, followed by a larger public gathering where the shtar tena’im was formally written and signed.
Breaking The Plate
The Eliyah Rabbah (560:7) and Mishnah Brura (560:9) note that just as we break a glass at a wedding to remember Jerusalem at our times of joy, we break a slightly damaged vessel at the tena’im. The Pri Megadim elaborates that the practice of breaking an earthenware vessel (in his time, a slightly broken pot) symbolizes the incomplete nature of our joy due to the loss of our national “engagement” as it was at Mount Sinai. This serves as a reminder of our irreparable loss, because earthenware, as opposed to glass which can be melted down and reshaped, is irreparable. Nevertheless, we remain hopeful for the day when we will merit a renewed "marriage" with Hashem, which explains why at weddings, we break a glass under the chuppah.
In light of this symbolism, the Sdei Chemed (Asifas Dinim 7:12) warns against treating the breaking as an opportunity for humor or frivolity. The act is meant to slightly temper our joy and remind us, even in moments of celebration, that as long as we are in exile, our happiness is incomplete.
Conversely, the Aruch HaShulchan (EH 50:24) views the plate/glass breaking as an expression of joy at the conclusion of the matchmaking process. This perspective might explain the custom of using a slightly damaged vessel, reflecting a feeling of liberation and unrestrained happiness. Just as someone who found a lost treasure celebrates with such exuberance that they care little for the incidental breaking of objects – so too is a marriage, with the joy at finding one’s destined partner.
Erusin
In contemporary Hebrew, the term "erusin" is used to describe the engagement -- the closing of a match or the accompanying celebration. In Talmudic terminology, however, erusin refers to the kiddushin (betrothal), when the groom gives a ring to his bride. Today this is done under the chuppah, but in the past kiddushin was done immediately upon agreeing on the match. The groom would announce to his bride: "You are betrothed to me according to the laws of Moshe and Yisroel," after which the bride was halachically considered married. After this point, she could no longer marry another without a halachic divorce or her husband's death, however, she remained with her family and prepared for the wedding. Only after completing these preparations was the wedding date set, and the couple married with a chuppa and the bride moved into her husband's home.
This practice was discontinued at one point in history for several reasons. Rashi (Isur v’Heter 300) explains that in his time people sought to combine the celebratory meals of the erusin and wedding (nisu’in) into a single event due to social pressures. (For another explanation, see the Gra’s commentary, EH 55:11.)
Another pivotal factor in this change was persecution. When Jews were forced to flee their hometowns, married couples often managed to escape together. In the event of tragedy, the presence of a spouse or witnesses typically enabled the remaining partner to remarry. In contrast, when betrothed brides fled with their families and grooms with theirs, it became exceedingly difficult to ascertain each other's fate. This tragic uncertainty left many women as agunot (halachically chained) for life. To mitigate such situations, the custom evolved to delay kiddushin until the wedding, performing it immediately before the reading of the kesubah and the marriage ceremony (nisu’in).
Today, with both events unified, the bride is not halachically bound to the groom after agreeing to the match. Obligations at this stage are limited to the general obligation to uphold verbal or written commitments, and no formal marital bond is created until the wedding itself.
Conclusion
The details outlined above underscore the sanctity and significance of the Jewish institution of marriage. Marrying impulsively, driven by fleeting passions or superficial desires, diminishes its sacred purpose. A Jewish home must rest on a foundation of shared ideals, mutual aspirations, and a steadfast commitment to creating a household that enhances Hashem’s glory. Within this framework, physical attraction and emotional connection are cherished blessings that strengthen the bond, but should remain means to a greater end, rather than ends in themselves.
In next week’s article we will turn our attention to the wedding itself and the rich traditions surrounding the wedding week, starting with the aufruf and culminating with the Sheva Brachos.
