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Dating and Marriage – Laws and Customs – Part III

 

This week's article culminates our recent series exploring the deeper significance of the halachos and customs surrounding weddings. This week we’ll explore the aufruf, the wedding day, the mitzvah of hachnosas kallah, the kesubah, sheva brachos, and the obligation to rejoice with the bride and groom.

What is the source and purpose of celebrating on the Shabbos before the wedding? What is the content of the kesubah? Why is there a strict prohibition against marrying without one? Is the kesubah a Torah-mandated obligation, or a rabbinic enactment?

How can marriages be made more meaningful and stable? Is fasting on the wedding day a halacha or a custom? How should the wedding day be utilized spiritually and emotionally?

Why does the Torah emphasize the mitzvah of hachnosas kallah? What does this mitzvah involve? Why must we make the bride and groom joyful when they are already happy? Shouldn’t we better spend our time cheering up those in distress?

What is sheva brachos, and how does it fit into the broader celebration of marriage? Is having a sheva brachos meal every evening obligatory, or is it merely customary? Can a wedding take place without a minyan?

These questions, along with others, are addressed in this week’s article.

Marriages in This Week’s Parasha

This week’s parasha recounts the marriages of Yehuda and his sons, leading to the lineage that would ultimately give rise to the Davidic dynasty and the Moshiach. A key takeaway from these events is that Hashem’s ways in matters of marriage are often hidden, beyond the scope of human comprehension, as He directs events according to His Divine plan. In previous articles, we explored the deeper meanings behind various elements of Jewish weddings, focusing on their spiritual significance. This week, we conclude the series with additional reflections on these timeless lessons.

The Kesubah

As discussed last week, the essence of chuppah and kiddushin lies in establishing marriage as a foundation for a home rooted in spiritual ideals. While emotions and desires play a supportive role, they should not form the core purpose of marriage. Instead, marriage is meant to transcend fleeting emotions and focus on creating a stable and lasting bond, grounded in the shared mission of establishing a family within the Torah’s framework. To ensure its stability and safeguard against reducing marriage to a casual or impermanent arrangement, Chazal instituted the kesubah, strictly prohibiting cohabitation without it. The kesubah serves as a critical tool for preserving the sanctity and dignity of the Jewish home.

At its heart, the kesubah is a binding legal document that obligates the husband to provide for his wife in multiple ways, both during the marriage and in times of hardship or its dissolution. The primary obligation is the monetary sum guaranteed to the wife upon divorce or the husband’s passing, originally set at 200 zuz, the equivalent of a year’s living expenses in Talmudic times. Beyond this financial guarantee, the kesubah ensures the wife’s well-being by obligating the husband to tend to her needs during illness, captivity, and even to cover her burial expenses after her passing.

The poskim debate whether the kesubah is a Torah obligation that Chazal elaborated upon, or if it is an ancient rabbinic enactment later supplemented by additional ordinances. Regardless of its origin, the kesubah stands as a cornerstone of Jewish marriage, safeguarding the sanctity and permanence of the marital bond.

The Wedding Day – Fasting and Prayer

The wedding day is a profoundly significant and unique occasion, a day of forgiveness. Customarily, both the bride and groom fast on this day, symbolizing their spiritual preparation for the transformative moment of becoming husband and wife. Practically, if fasting might hinder the couple's ability to function, it is wise to exercise discretion and consult a competent halachic authority for guidance.

Fasting aside, this special day should be dedicated to prayer, introspection, and good deeds. In a previous article (Parashas Toldos, 5781), we elaborated on the concept of forgiveness associated with the wedding day. We will not revisit the details here, but we will share a thought-provoking insight from Rabbi Meir of Premishlan: "The wedding day is such a lofty and exalted day, it is almost a pity that it is given to young men and women who often lack the maturity to fully appreciate and utilize its spiritual potential."

Hachnosas Kallah

Hachnosas kallah is regarded as one of the greatest mitzvos (Shulchan Aruch, EH 65), encompassing numerous facets of support and celebration. This mitzvah includes bringing joy to the bride and groom on their wedding day, assisting in the festivities, facilitating the match, offering emotional and financial support, arranging dowries, and providing logistical or financial help for wedding necessities such as the venue, catering, and music. Why do Chazal place such profound emphasis on this particular mitzvah?

The first mitzvah in the Torah is: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Bereshis 1:28). Marriage is the first mitzva man was charged with. Later, Hashem chose Avraham because: “He will instruct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord, to do righteousness and justice” (Bereshis 18:19). These two psukim provide insight into Judaism’s core mission: not only to build up one’s own spirituality, but to establish future generations—physically, by bringing children into the world, and spiritually, by guiding them toward eternal life. Each additional Jewish home strengthens this foundation, creating an environment where individuals fulfill their purpose in life: serving Hashem and building a legacy of Torah and mitzvos. Thus, it is a sacred obligation to share in the couple’s joy and provide all necessary support to help them succeed in this monumental task.

Building a harmonious home comes with inherent challenges. G-d created men and women very different, with distinct natures and needs, and charged them with the mitzva to marry and learn to understand and respect each other’s differences—often requiring them to transcend their natural tendencies. This mutual understanding refines and elevates both individuals, transforming them into more complete beings.

Because marital harmony demands personal growth and refinement, it elevates those who succeed to an almost angelic level. Yet, the path is not without difficulties. Alongside the natural joy of the wedding day, the bride and groom often experience anxieties: the weight of entering a profound and lifelong partnership, uncertainties about how life together will unfold, and the responsibility of building a future.

For these reasons, the Torah obligates us to do everything possible to support the couple and ensure their joy is complete. This includes attending their celebration, assisting financially or logistically with wedding arrangements if necessary, and providing for their basic needs, such as a dowry or household essentials. The mitzvah is called “hachnosas kallah” because the bride’s needs often require greater attention, but it equally extends to supporting the groom and ensuring both can embark on their new journey with confidence and joy.

Sheva Brachos

There are several common misconceptions about Sheva Brachos. Here we will clarify some of the relevant halachos.

Chazal (Kesubos 7b) instituted six blessings to be recited at wedding when there is a minyan. Since they decreed that the blessings should be recited over wine, a seventh blessing, "Borei Pri HaGafen", is added.

Marriage without reciting sheva brachos at the wedding is prohibited. If, for any reason, they were not recited in full under the chuppah, they should be recited at the earliest opportunity when there is a minyan. If there is no minyan available, one should consult a rabbinic authority.

Throughout the first week of marriage for a couple entering their first marriage (either a bachelor or virgin bride), every time new guests arrive who were not present at the wedding, and a meal is held in honor of the new couple, the sheva brachos are recited. Similarly, the festive Shabbos meal in honor of the bride and groom is considered a new guest, for whom the sheva brachos are recited.

There is no obligation or inherent virtue in hosting or having sheva brachos every day beyond the wedding day. While hosting sheva brachos is considered a mitzva of "bringing joy to the bride and groom," reciting the blessings without new guests should be avoided. Instead, it is preferable to limit the blessings to the final one, "Asher Bara Sasson V'Simcha", and the blessing on wine.

The term "Sheva Brachos" commonly refers to the entire week of wedding celebrations. Indeed, hosting multiple sheva brachos celebrations is wonderful, but the week is essentially one of rejoicing for the bride and groom. These days are like a holiday for the couple, and there is a mitzvah to give them joy. Therefore, if the couple prefers a day of rest, or if hosting the event does not contribute to their happiness, the party is unnecessary.

A meal is that is not specifically served in honor of the bride and groom, even if they participate in it, does not allow reciting the blessings.

Content of the Blessings

The blessings touch upon several themes:

  1. Blessing of All Creation: Praising G-d for His glory, as represented by those gathered.
  2. Creation of Humanity: Two blessings honor the creation of Adam and Chava and their role in building the world. The new couple are now following in their way, continuing to build the world.
  3. Rebuilding of Yerushalayim: A blessing mentioning Yerushalayim and praying for its rebuilding, as it must be mentioned at every joyous occasion.
  4. Joy of Bride and Groom: A blessing specifically for their happiness.
  5. Asher Bara Sasson V'Simcha: A concluding blessing, which commentators debate whether it praises G-d for the mitzvah of marriage, for the joys it brings, or for the pleasures of married life.

The Aufruf

Ashkenazi communities have a custom of celebrating the Shabbos before the wedding, known as the “Shabbos aufruf” (from the Yiddish word for calling up). It is customary to throw wheat, nuts, or, nowadays – candies when the groom is called up to the Torah. There are several reasons for this celebration, and while not universally practiced among Sephardic communities today, it has roots in Sephardic traditions as well.

The earliest source for this custom is from the Rashba (Mishmeres HaBayis 7:2), who wrote: "The customs of the Jewish people, wherever they may be, are as sacred as the Torah itself, each one rooted in holiness and tradition. Across all our communities, it is customary to celebrate on the Shabbos preceding a wedding."

Some later authorities (Toras Hashlamim 192:4; Sidrei Tahara 192:12) explained that this tradition origins in practicality—weddings were often held on Friday afternoons to combine the wedding feast with the Shabbos meal, due to economic constraints. Since the wedding was on Friday, the bride would begin the taharah process on the Shabbos before. To mark this milestone, a celebratory meal was served on that Shabbos. Today, whereas weddings typically do not take place on Fridays, this reason no longer applies. Nevertheless, since this period still forms part of the wedding preparations, traces of the custom remain.

Halachos and customs related to this special Shabbos have been noted throughout the generations. The Maharil (Tisha B’Av, section 9) describes refraining from wearing Shabbos clothes on the Shabbos preceding Tisha B’Av, however, when it was a “Shabbos Shpinoholtz” for his son, he and his son wore Shabbos clothes, and the congregation celebrated with fruits and wine. However, Leket Yosher (OC, page 110, section 2) records that the celebration was avoided on Shabbos Chazon out of respect for the somber time.

Minhagei Vermiza (part 2, page 253) explains that the term “Shpinoholtz” is likely a distortion of “Shabinutz”: “Shabin” refers to Shabbos, and “Nutz” derives from the French word “noce” (wedding). Alternatively, Noheg Ketzon Yosef (Marriage, section 2) suggests it comes from “she-ben alatz”, because it is when the groom—“the ben”—rejoices (“alatz”). The poskim write that honoring the groom with an aliyah to the Torah is obligatory, and the custom became to give him the maftir.

The Yerushalmi (Demai 4:2) provides another source for this Shabbos, referring to the “Shabbos of Prutogamia,” when Chazal permitted a groom to eat demai (produce of uncertain tithing) at his father-in-law’s home. Ordinarily, Chazal required re-tithing demai to avoid relying on the word of an am ha’aretz (unlearned person). However, due to the exceptional joy of this Shabbos, the decree was suspended.

Commentators explain that “prutogamia” refers to the Shabbos immediately preceding the wedding, when a special celebratory feast would take place. The term is derived from “proto”— “first”—and “gamos”—meaning “celebration.” Many authorities conclude that this custom specifically refers to the Shabbos before the wedding.

Another early source, from over 900 years old, appears in Rav Yitzchak Giat (Hilchos Aveilus, 2:235), who records a custom in Eretz Yisrael of serving a special feast before the wedding, which is not counted as part of the seven days of sheva brachos. He does not clarify whether this celebration specifically took place on Shabbos, or the precise origins of the practice.

In Noheg Ketzon Yosef (Marriage, section 2; Minhagei Frankfurt, ~300 years ago), it is noted that the seven days of sheva berachos were understood to begin on the Shabbos before the wedding. This explains the custom of singing for the groom, with an emphasis on singing the full four stanzas originally composed for this occasion [though today we customarily sing the melody without words]. Similarly, Midrash Talpiyot (Chasan VeKallah) by Rabbi Eliyahu HaKohen of Izmir (~300 years ago) states that since a groom is compared to a king who has two sifrei Torah, he is honored with two aliyos to the Torah—once on the Shabbos before the wedding and once during the week of sheva berachos. This teaches that the groom’s elevated status begins on this Shabbos.

The Eliyah Rabbah (369:16) likewise rules that a groom assumes the status of a king from this Shabbos onward. Consequently, although the general halacha is to reserve the aliyah of Chasan Torah on Simchas Torah for the most learned scholar or community leader, a groom on his Shabbos aufruf is given this honor in deference to his “royal” status.

The poskim (Levush, OC 282:7; Magen Avraham 282:18; Biur Halachah 136:1, and others) refer to this Shabbos as “The Shabbos of Singing For The Groom.” The custom appears to have developed in cities where the groom would leave his hometown to travel to the bride’s city for the wedding. Since most of the local community could not attend the wedding—often due to distance and the difficulty of travel—they would celebrate with the groom on his last Shabbos in town.

The Knesses HaGedolah (She’arei Knesses HaGedolah 135:11) records a Sephardic custom to honor the groom with the Torah reading of "Ve’Avraham zaken ba bayamim" (Bereshis 24:1). This practice primarily applies to a groom marrying for the first time. In cases where two grooms are present—one entering his first marriage and the other a second—the aliyah is given precedence to the first-time groom.

In conclusion, Rabbi Menashe Klein (Mishneh Halachos, volume 17, 59:2) offers symbolic explanations for the custom of women throwing sweets at the groom. Before the sin of the Tree of Knowledge, angels roasted meat and baked bread for Adam and Chavah. After the sin, Adam was cursed: “By the sweat of your brow, you shall eat bread” (Bereshis 3:19). Since women were not included in this specific curse, it is fitting that they throw the sweets.

Rabbi Klein adds another reason: since the woman caused the sin through her attraction to food that was “pleasing to the eyes and delightful to behold,” women symbolically rectify this by throwing the sweets away. For a similar reason, it is customary for the bride to purchase a tallis for her groom. Since clothing became necessary only after the sin, the bride’s gift of a tallis serves as a rectification for her role in the sin.

 

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