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Doing too much

Question:

Thanks so much for addressing my question. I wrote in a question a few months ago that I got brachos from gedolim in Eretz Yisroel to find my shidduch and one bracha was to find my zivug by sukkos tash shin pei hey. I had asked if was okay to have emunah in the bracha and I really appreciated the Rav's response to the question. It is a few months later and Hashem determined it is not the right time for me yet to find him and I am still waiting. The wait is incredibly difficult (especially since I watched my younger sister go first). Although I know on a logical level, Hashem is doing what is best for me, on an emotional level it is so so painful. My biggest question is-when is too many kabalos considered over-board. I try hard not to be reliant on segulos (but sometimes I do fall for it, especially with all the over the top marketing ads). I try really hard to focus on my tefillah and my personal growth but at what point is it too much and a lack of Emunah?
If the Rav can also provide some chizuk for those of us in shidduchim (specifically those that watched a younger one go first).
Thank you for everything you do!

 

Answer:

My heart bleeds together with so many of us in Klal Yisroel, for all of those thousands of girls waiting to get married but have not as of yet found their bashert. It I not only your personal problem, it is the problem of the whole Klal, because it is no longer individuals… Doing segulos is very different than davening and working on personal  growth. Tefillah and working on personal growth are the things that chazal told us take away difficult decrees, (as we say in nesaneh tokef, “ uteshuva, utefillah, maavirin as roah hagezeira). These are not mere segulos, but the way that Hashem told us thru torah shebal pe, to get rip up difficult decrees. There is no such thing as too much tefilloh, as we are told “Kaveh el Hashem chazal vametz libecha, vkaveh el Hashem” “Hope to Hashem, (and even if you are not yet answered), strengthen your heart, and keep up you hope to Hashem”.

It is hard for me to give words of chizuk, when I feel your pain so badly, but there are a few ideas, that might help you. (An idea that I was told when I was going thru a difficult time in my life)

Rabeinu Bachya (Parshas Ki Teitzei) writes, that every neshoma is shown, prior to coming down to this world, all the difficulties that it will go thru, and it isn’t sent to this world until it first agrees to undergo these difficulties. The neshoma, which is then in the olam haemes, understands why it is in it’s best interest to go thru these difficulties, answers, “Yes, I agree”, and only then is it sent down to this world. For example a neshoma of a tzaddik who did a lot of good in the world, however he want careful about speaking lashon hora. When he comes to the next world, he wants to go into Gan Eden, but he can’t because of the aveiros. He is given the opportunity to come back down to this world, but he tells the Bais Din Shel Maalah, “ how is that going to help me, the next time I’m in the world I’m going to speak lashon hora again”. So they tell him, you know what, well make you deaf, this way you won’t be involved in speaking lashon hora”. He says Ok, and coms down to this world, deaf. While he is here, it really pains him that everyone else can hear, and he has difficulties… but he doesn’t remember that the whole purpose of his being hear is not to speak lashon hora, and this is the hole reason why he is here in the first place. Why shidduchim are difficult on so many people I don’t know, but no one knows the real reason why we are here, and why this situation is what is good for them.

Although right now it is so terribly difficult on you, all of your davening will serve you eventually serve you very well. Chazal say that when a person daven, that the malachim take his tefilloh and make it into a beautiful crown, which is put on Hasham’s head. It is a beautiful crown, befitting to go on Hashem’s head. After he person is niftar and comes to the next world, Hashem is going to give him that crown, and it is going to go on his head!

Additionally, although Hashem gives us temporary difficulties, He also knows how to make up for all of the difficulties. I had a grandfather, (actually my wife’s grandfather, Horav Zaidel Epstein. His parents, lost 7 children while they were very young, and they were only left with him and his older sister, who was 13 years older than him. His older sister, never had children, and he only got married at age 31, to a 31-year-old girl. B”H they had 7 children, and when he was niftar, he had hundreds of grand, and great-grandchildren. All the tears and tefillos of his mother cried, eventually were answered, and she was given plenty of grandchildren… What she needed was to keep on davening and a lot of patients, and emuna, and eventually she was answered in a tremendous way.

Chazal say that l’eosid l’avo, Hashem will consol us for all of the difficulties that we suffered in this world, and whatever issue we had, we will be rewarded in that way. For example, those who couldn’t walk will be given extra strong feet, those hwo could see, extra strong eyes. Hashem has an eitza for everything, we just have to stay strong.

As a side point, without getting into segulos, there is an idea to think about. If there is anyone who you hurt and may have a hakpada. Just make sure that this is not an issue.

Hashem should send you your bashert b’karov, and you should be zoche to raise a family of bnei torah.

Best wishes

 

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