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Putting an Aggressive Child Down like a Dog

Question:

Thanks. Now I learned a child who hits a parent deserves capital punishment. Only applies if a child was warned and two valid witnesses but i remember a story how there was only one witness and therefore the capital punishment cannot be applied but the culprit died at the hands of heaven.

I grew up believing children are garbage. All the beatings i got, including for things I was falsely accused of and even for getting math questions wrong. All my healing about how children are not garbage and are precious went down the drain. Children get put down like an aggressive dog if they hit a parent. I started even ignoring my children since I feel uncomfortable around them. Now I am scared if they C'V do hit me, if they are allowed to and are able to do teshuva and repent for this sin.

 

Answer:

Hello,

It is terrible that you grew up with such a difficult feeling, that must have been tremendously difficult on you.

Please allow we to clarify, the Torah’s angle on the relationship between parent and children.

Judaism believes that children are one of the most important factors in a Jewish person’s life. In fact, the first commandment give in the Torah, was given to Adam, and it was “to be fruitful and multiply”- to have children. Judaism is based on the belief that G-d created the world. He created a world that contains billions of creations, innate things; mountains, the ocean, the floral world; grass, thousands of types of flowers, thousands of types of trees, hundreds of different types of fruits and vegetables. The animal kingdom, with billions of animals, birds and fish. It was created by G-d for purpose. The purpose is that man, who has the capability to choose to worship G-d. In order to accomplish this, the world must be populated with people. Therefore, Judaism sees having children, and raising them to do Hashem’s will as a top priority goal. Judaism sees children and their education, as a most important job of every person. In Judaism children are not garbage, rather diamonds, that need to be polished. (This is stark contrast to the secular approach, of living a life of pleasure seeking, where children just get in the way of the person’s pleasure seeking. Which unfortunately causes many men and women  don’t even want to get married, because it will interfere with their fun and their career.)

Aside from actually bringing children into the world, according to Judaism, parents are charged[1] with the responsibility, of educating them, and making sure that they grow up to be G-d fearing, decent, functioning people. A part of the education process, the parent often needs to discipline the child, and this is one of the obligations of a parent. It is definitely not meant to be taken that the child is garbage, and while the parent has to discipline the child, it has to be sandwiched with much more love[2] than punishments, specifically in order to the child to understand that the parent loves him, and is interesting in his ultimate good.

Regarding Judaism’s approach to the relationship of the children their parents, is the following. We are taught[3] that there are three partners in the creation of every person, Hashem, the person’s father and mother. One of the basics of Judaism is for a person to realize, one’s origin and to be thankful for what the person has been given. The most basic thing to be thankful for is for life itself. Therefore, the Torah equates the child’s relationship to his parents, to the person’s relationship  to Hashem. The same way we are to love Hashem, we are to love our parents, the same way we are to fear Hashem, a child is commanded to fear his parents. (In practicality it means to abstain from doing disrespectful things to the parent, such as not calling them by their first name, not sitting in their special seat, etc.). Additionally, the same way it is forbidden for a person to curse G-d, which carries capital punishment, a child may not curse a parent (with the name of Hashem). Additionally, a child may not hit a parent, and if the wound in makes to the parent causes the parent to bleed[4] it carries capital punishment. The reason is NOT to put the child down like an aggressive dog; in Judaism children are not dogs, rather the most precious thing to a person.

Unfortunately, our society does not promote respect for parents, rather only respect for children. A parent that hits a child, (or even screams at them) might get arrested, however a child that does just that to the parent won’t. It is unfortunate, but this is what we have to deal with nowadays. You are correct, that if you feel that in a certain situation that you suspect that you child might hit you, you have to either abstain[5] from reprimanding the child, or choose a different approach, but the parent has to make sure that things don’t get to a situation that the child might hit the parent.

I hope this provide some clarity

Best wishes

Sources:

[1]  או"ח ס' שמ"ג.

[2] תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוטה דף מז עמוד א' "תנו רבנן: לעולם תהא שמאל דוחה וימין מקרבת"

[3] קידושין ל. "ת''ר נאמר כבד את אביך ואת אמך ונאמר כבד את ה' מהונך השוה הכתוב כבוד אב ואם לכבוד המקום נאמר איש אמו ואביו תיראו ונאמר את ה' אלהיך תירא ואותו תעבוד השוה הכתוב מוראת אב ואם למוראת המקום נאמר מקלל אביו ואמו מות יומת ונאמר איש איש כי יקלל אלהיו ונשא חטאו השוה הכתוב ברכת אב ואם לברכת המקום".

[4] סנהדרין פה:.

[5] רמב"ם הלכות ממרים פרק ו הלכה ט "והמכה בנו גדול מנדין אותו שהרי הוא עובר על ולפני עור לא תתן מכשול", משום שמא בנו יכה אותו חזרה.

 

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4 Comments

  1. It should also be noted that the death penalty would not apply to a child who is a minor (12 and under for a boy, 11 and under for a girl).

    1. Additionally it will only apply if the adult was warned, and disregarded the warning, and did the sin within two seconds from being warned... which isn't too common.

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