Unwanted Houseguests

Question:

Interested to know the halachah and Torah viewpoint on this.

People I know are asking if their relatives can stay in my home. It is not something I want. For various reasons it would be hugely difficult for me.

It would also be an invasion of my privacy.

The people who are asking live differently from me.

As well as repeatedly asking me, they inform me that accommodating their relatives would be chessed, and, in addition, they tell me bitochon and chessed anecdotes and remind me of the rewards for people who put themselves out for others and who do chessed for others [and, chas veSholom the consequences for those who do not].

These people who ask me give me little gifts and offer me little favours, which initially I took to be simple honest kindnesses. However, I have come to see that the favours are the prelude to these people asking me for things (that I give my house to accommodate their relatives) which I do not want to give. This giving-to-soften me up, (as it has turned out to be), is something which has shocked and disgusted me. I find it underhand, deceitful, and I see it as the behaviour of conmen.

The people are very frum. They see nothing wrong with how they go about things. They think I am being mean and that I should be putting myself out for others more and going beyond my comfort zone.

They offer to share their cleaning lady with me. Ostensibly to help me prepare for Pesach. In reality it is to prepare my house to accommodate their relatives.

They feel I should help them out since, being nearby, I am in a perfect location for their relatives to be staying. They also believe that as they are in learning they shouldn't have to pay whatever it would cost to rent a place.

Is it really okay for people to behave in this way? Am I in the wrong?

They are also trying to get me to go away for Pesach, and even would pay a bit towards this, so that their relatives can stay in my home in my absence. I absolutely do not want this. I wouldn't want it if they paid for me to go away to an ultra expensive luxury resort. My home is not currently set up to accommodate guests in this way. And is a private space.

I would gladly and happily accommodate guests if circumstances were different, but with my circumstances and limitations being what they currently are, I am not at all comfortable with the invasion of my privacy that would be involved.

I also feel I am not up to the huge work it would take to make a bedroom or bedrooms suitable to accommodate the guests.

The people feel I am not putting myself out enough. And that I should be extending myself to do this hachnosas orchim and chessed. Which also will be Rewarded.

In, lehavdil, the secular world, these people's attitude might be a boundary invasion. However, lehavdil, it seems that in the Torah world a person is supposed to quash their not-wanting and misgivings, and to accommodate others. Is this correct?

Thank you.

Answer:

Hello,

In general, a person cannot be forced to do you a chesed, and they cannot force you to give them your house. The question though is, to what degree does a person have to do chesed, and extend himself to do chesed for others? I think the answer to this question is very individual. It depends to what degree the person is willing to do the chesed. Yes, sometimes doing the chesed will be difficult on the person, but he will still do it, with all its difficulties, because he wants to do it. Regarding chesed a person is not supposed “to quash their not-wanting and misgivings, and to accommodate others” if he will be resentful about it. However, if the person feels ok with this level of difficulty, because he wants to do the chesed, then he should do it. Getting back to your question; being that you are quite clear that the feeling of your privacy being compromised, and the other difficulties lending out your house will cause you, is too much for you, then this level of chesed is not for you, and they cannot force you into it.

Best wishes