Question:
Hi. My father has been at hospital for one year, he was in a very delicate condition. He passed away, but I feel I have suffered so much all this year, that I cannot imagine a whole year without Simcha.. without enjoying things. Is that the way? Or is there another approach for the year of avelut? Thanks
Answer:
Hamakom yinache eschem b’toch shar aveilei Tzion v’Yerushalayim
I personally understand your question and the way you are feeling, because I am right now also in the year of aveilus for my father z”l. You are correct. It is important for us aveilim to have the correct approach to the various halachos that are applicable for the year of mourning, and although it is difficult, nevertheless we have to approach it from the right angle.
The idea behind the halachos of aveilus for the year of mourning, is based on the idea that a person’s neshoma, has to get cleaned, before it can merit to enter Gan Eden, and receive its proper reward for all of the mitzvos that the person did during their life. An example of this, is a person that has a tremendous banquet waiting for him, and he will get tremendous honor, etc., however the suit the person is wearing got all stained with ink and splashed with mud… The stains have to get cleaned, before the person can enter the ballroom… otherwise it will be terribly embarrassing for them, and they will not be able to enjoy the banquet. Therefore, all of these stains have to get dry cleaned… This process is very difficult, and therefore the person’s neshoma, goes through a difficult time, for the year after the person’s passing, in order to come out totally clean. The reason why the children of the departed abstain from getting involved with simcha, is a form of being “nosai be’ol”, and sympathizing with the suffering that their parent is now going through. For example, if my father is suffering away in a hospital, how can I just go and dance at a wedding…? This is the basic understanding why we have these halachos.
To add to this, it is specifically a child, that has these customs (for the whole year), and it has to do with the mitzva of honoring our parents. The way we can now honor them, is by keeping the halachos, which are showing that we are emotionally with them in their pain. But there is another facet here.
EVERY mitzva that you do, helps you parent in the next world, and brings them joy, because a person’s parent gets rewarded for each mitzva that the child does. This is the idea of saying kaddish, davening for the amud, learning mishnayos, giving tzedakah, etc. That by doing more mitzvos, we are actually protecting them from the difficulties, that they are going thru. Included in this is that every time the avel abstains from doing something because of the halachos of avelus, it is considered a mitzva of kibbud av v’em, and the deceased parent benefits from it. Not only from the honor that the child is giving the parent by showing that they associate with the parent’s pain, but also because the child is fulfilling the mitzva of kibud av v’em, and therefore the parent gets rewarded, and protected, due to the mitzva that the child is now doing. Therefore, when we abstain from going to a wedding, from listening to music, buying new clothing, that inaction is now transformed into a mitzva, with all the benefits that the mitzva of kibud av v’em carries.
This is the general approach to appreciate what we are doing during this year. However, regarding that actual halachos, if a person needs to listen to music, especially if the person is depressed, there are poskim who permit listening to music that doesn’t bring one to dancing and joy. The halachos of aveilus are meant to associate with the other person's pain, but not to make one depressed. Mourning is a feeling of pain, not depression.
In general, it is important for you to ask your local Rov, who understands your personal situation, and can guide you with the various halachos that apply, and can advise you, as to what and when you can be lenient, depending on the individual situation.
In a way, we can look at the year of aveilus as a one-time opportunity to help our parent, in ways that we will not be able to do at any other time. If we look at it, not as a year of suffering, but as a year-long opportunity to give to our parent, in a way that we will never be able to do again, this will help us feel more positive to the job and opportunity that we are now presented with.
Best wishes
