Question:
Hello,
We say Shehechiyanu on the birth of a girl and HaTov v'haMeitiv for a boy.
If I was told correctly, the Mishneh Brurah says that for the mother, since she is not obligated in p'ru u'rvu, it's better to have a boy because his mitzvos will bring her more s'char.
It seems to me that males are inherently more valuable than females, and this is something that's very hard for me. (I'm obviously female.) I understand that an individual female can do more and better than an individual male, but at the start and inherently I feel less in the eyes of Hashem.
I know that on some level my feelings are probably caused somewhat or perhaps entirely by the way I was raised, with a severe imbalance of the importance shown by my parents to the boys vs. the girls, (among other abuse both to the boys and the girls) but I have had tremendous angst from this issue for many years already and I cannot seem to get past it. It profoundly affects my avodas Hashem, not to mention my emotional state quite often, as well as how I feel about marriage. (I've been in therapy on and off but I still would like to hear from a Rov. I don't know if more therapy will help and either way at the moment I can't afford it.)
Any enlightenment you can give on this issue would be hugely appreciated.
Thank you so much.
Answer:
Before addressing your question, I am not aware of anywhere that the Mishna Berura wrote such a thing. Regardless, this is not what is really bothering you, so let’s talk about that.
When a Jewish boy or girl becomes Bar or Bas Mitzva, you get the title “bachur” (lit. a Jewish adolescent) or “bachura” (the same term in feminine). The meaning of “bachur”, really means chosen. Yes, Hashem chose YOU and gave you the opportunity and privilege to do His mitzvos, get close to Him, and enjpy all the benefits of Olam Haba.
Let’s think about it. Hashem created trillions of blades of grass, trillions of trees, trillions of ants, rabbits, animals, and fish.
Even after that, there are now about 9 billion people in the world. Out of all of these 9 billion people, He chose to create you with the special status of being part of His chosen nation. The nation that will merit the rewards of Olam Haba for eternity. The nation that Hashem loves and considers Himself married to them. How many Jews are the in the world? Let’s say 20 million. How many of them merited to be put into an orthodox home, where you were given the chinuch to appreciate mitzvos. If we make a simple calculation, if we will add up all of the creations of the world, and divide it among all of the frum Yidden, each one of us is 1 in a million! That means that when Hashem created you, He “chose” YOU, 1 out of a million, to give you a tremendously cherished position. He created you with the zechus to be able to bring up more frum people, who will have more children, and they will have more children, and at the end, you will be the cause of millions of mitzvos! What can be luckier than that!
Rav Zaidel Epstein zt”l ( the mashgiach of Torah Ohr) once told me, that when teaching women, one of the messages that I have to get across to them is that they have to know that, “ the future of Klal Yisroel is dependent on them. YES, the future of Klal Yisroel, is entrusted in your hands, as a woman! If it would be possible for you to imagine a scene that (will hopefully take place in another 70 years) that you are now in your upper eighties. Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, decided to throw you a birthday party. Let’s say that you will have 6 children, ( most orthodox families have at least that amount), and each one of you children will have an average of 6 children, and each one of you grandchildren will have 6 children. How many offspring will there be at that birthday party, 216! When you walk into the party and think to yourself, WOW! all of this … from ME? The answer is YES. It is all from you. Who is the one who will have given then the foundation of their emuna, you. Who will have given them the basis of their good middos, their love to do mitzvos, the appreciation for what torah learning is? That will all be from you. Yu inculcated it these ideas with a kiss, into your children, and your children will take your lesson, and give it over to their children, and their children to their children. All of this is part of the cosmically important job that Hashem has given you. To bring up the next generation of G-d fearing Jews, who will keep His Torah. Hashem chose you one out of a million, to do this job. We cannot in any way say that you are not super important!
Are men inherently more valuable than women, I don’t know but who cares! Are Kohanim inherently more valuable than a Yisroel because they have more mitzvos, maybe, but what does that have to do with me. Hashem chose me for such an important job, Hashem loves me as His child, so why should I be busy looking if someone else is more valuable than me? Hashem gave that person his job and He gave me my job, if I has given a job the secretary of state, should I feel that I am not important because someone else is vice president or the president himself.
Hashem put you at the top of the world, and entrusted you with the future of His nation, think about how lucky you are. Let that feeling flow through your arteries and veins, until you are ready to jump for joy over how fortunate you are… And then remember to thank Hashem for all that He has given you.
Best wishes
