Question:
We have a close relative who has had troubles that were not her fault, early in life. She's very pleasant with adults, and sometimes with children. When caring for her grandchildren she criticizes even small things with bitter venom, way beyond what they deserve- and beyond what a child, or even an adult can handle. She is often needed to take care of her grandchildren.
1. How can we address this with the children to protect their emotions, when they cannot defend themselves?
2. How can we address this with her, to help her realize the harm in pouring such anger on the children, while respecting her feelings as much as possible?
Answer:
Hello,
This is a tough and tricky situation, and I don’t have a simple answer for you.
From what you are describing, it sounds like these outbursts are coming from frustration while she is around the children. Although she likes them very much, there is still frustration by the way they are acting, even though they are normal children. If this is the case, then talking to her about the psychological and emotional damage that she is causing, is not likely to help too much, because she can’t really help herself when she has these emotional outbursts. Secondly, even if someone were to talk to her, it should not be a child, because a child has to be extremely careful not to hurt a parent, especially since she will be hurt by what is said, even if what is said is sugar coated.
From what you are describing, we are talking about a person who is usually pleasant, and the problem arises specifically when she is watching her grandchildren. Maybe it is because watching them and the damage that they do to things is very emotionally difficult on her, and she is just screaming out of frustration. I am not validating what she is doing, but if we try to understand where she is coming from, we can see what can be done to meet both her and the grandchildren’s needs. Maybe the amount of time she watches them should be minimized, whether it is the number of children there or the length of time they are there. Or how tired the children or grandmother is when they are together. Sometimes you can’t fix a problem, but you can lower the severity, or frequency of the occurrences, which can be a partial solution.
You can also explain to the children, at a time that they are at home and calm, that their grandmother really loves them, and that is why she gives them treats whenever she sees them. However, even though she loves them, she sometimes gets frustrated, and will scream, but then afterwards she will calm down. Personally, I don’t think it is a good idea to tell the children that their grandmother has emotional problems, as this will ruin their respect for her, and in turn their relationship with her when they get older.
Hashem should send you much success navigating this tricky situation.
Best wishes
