Question:
Shalom,
I went through a painful breakup where the other person repeatedly hurt me on purpose with his words and actions, even after we broke up. Recently, he reached out the day after Yom Kippur and offered a very broad apology — but he did not admit to the specific things he did that caused me the most pain.
I told him I cannot forgive him right now because the hurt is still raw and feels intentional. I also asked him not to reach out again because it reopens my wounds.
My question is: Am I halachically obligated to forgive him anyway just because he said “I’m sorry,” or does halacha allow me to wait until I feel ready, especially since the apology wasn’t specific or complete?
Thank you for your guidance,
Answer:
Hello,
If you are still in pain, and you are not yet up to forgiving him, that is ok, as you are still not ready to for give him. However asking not to ask you again is not fair. The reason is because he has an obligation to appease you, and make you feel better, and even if you said no, he still has to try to appease you and apologize another three times. But by telling him not to ask you anymore about it, you are effectively blocking him from getting a kapara for what was done.
In general, it is true that you were badly, and deeply hurt, but at this point, holding on to the pain is not going to help you in any way. In fact, by holding on to it, and thinking about it, you are just subjecting your self to a lot more pain, for nothing. Understandably, being deeply hurt, is hard, and it does take time to get over it. but the more you think about it , the more needless pain you are subjecting yourself, and it is a shame. On the other hand after both of you forgive each other, then you can really start to heal, and more on, as it gives closure to what happened, instead of festering inside of you, which is very uncomfortable.
Additionally, by forgiving, even though you are right and he is wrong, this will serve you tremendously. Not only does it cause hashem to forgiver your aveiros, and there are plenty of things that we have done, on purpose, that we want Hashem to forgive us. But it also serves as a tremendous merit for you to find your proper ziguv, or to remarry.
Therefore essentially, although you don't have to forgive him, at this point, but it is still in your best interest.
Hashem should help you get married soon.
Best wishes
