Wife angry

Question:

My wife got angry at me last night as I was reading hamodia and she wanted my attention, so she threw at me a plastic bottle with water that made me and my bed wet.
I took it and threw back water on her. then she took my hand and held it very tight in order to hurt me so I gave her back a slaps.
She was disturbing me to sleep half the night then in the morning i told her that this is not acceptable she can ask normal and I will give her all attention she required. we have b"h good shulem bayis in general.
I feel that I need to put her in place, so she learns for the future not to do this again as this is not the first time and not the second although it does not happen often. she went to her office today with another daughter for 5 hours to keep herself busy out the house doing a photo album, basically not asking sorry until I texted her and I advised that I will have to make some unfriendly decisions and she ought to ask sorry so she wrote sorry but that was after 16 hours since last night. Now I feel that she needs to be taught how it feels and not that I simply go home and carry on as usual is not going for her! How do I make her get the message and learn for the future I feel like letting her feel ignored for many hours until she feels my pain and is sorry to remember long term?!!!

I am waiting in my office for a response

Answer:

Hello,

My apologies, but from what you are writing, I do not think that you sholom bayis is not so good at all. A woman is not going to throw a bottle of water at her husband unless she is very, very frustrated. Not just from this incident, but obviously she has a lot of frustration pent up inside, which can very likely be your fault.

You want to make sure this behaviour does not repeat itself. I agree with you, however the way to do it is not by trying to "teach her a lesson" which essentially will mean to hurt her in some way. This will not teach her, rather it will cause her more animosity, and only make the fight bigger.

The way to build shalom bayis is not by hurting, but by building trust. What I would suggest, is that you try discussing why she was so frustrated, that she threw the bottle at you. Listen to what she has to say, and after she feels, that her husband is indeed giving her the attention that she needs, she will not do this again. This way you will get the results that you want, that she shouldn't do it again, and you will hopefully build up trust between the two of you, which will help your marriage. By giving her what she emotionally needs, you will solve the problem, without making the fight any bigger than it is.

Best wishes