Question:
Hello,
I have written down that I owe my parents about $5-15,000 for various reasons over the years. However, I recently began wondering if this debt can be offset by the emotional damage they did to me, for decades. I estimate this damage to dwarf this small amount that I owe them. Is this a valid reason to withhold payment from them?
Answer:
Hello,
Your frustration and pain are understood. Practically though, it isn’t a valid reason to withhold any money that you owe them. One may only withhold money that one owes, if halachically a Bais Din will award you this money, and it is doubtful that you would be awarded such money according to Jewish law. Even in a secular court, it will be very difficult to prove.
In general, us children have a hard time appreciating our parents, because naturally we only feel and concentrate on the things that hurt us. Parents are human, and they do make mistakes, our job as a parent is to try our best to do the best job we can and make the least number of mistakes, and our job as a child is to forgive those mistakes, as best as we can. The Torah wants us to have feelings of appreciation to our parents, first and foremost because they gave us our life, and any pleasure that we have in this world, a breath of fresh air, a good steak, a vacation, or any other pleasure that we have in this world, is thanks to them! Besides fort this, let’s think about the 100’s of thousands of dollars that they laid out for us, from diapers, clothing, food, rent or buying a larger home for the larger family, utilities, schooling, medical insurance, auto expenses, and they didn’t charge us for it.
Kibbud Av V’em is a very challanging mitzva, but Hashem says that when a child honors their parents, Hashem says that it is as if they honored Me personally. And we will be rewarded for it immensely.
Best wishes
