Question:
I was misgeyer, as were my parents, separately. My mother suffers from a personality disorder, and my father is terrified of her. They followed me to Israel, to my neighborhood. There is ongoing physical and emotional abuse toward me and my children, triangulation between my husband and me, etc. My father has become very ill (due to her 'not allowing' him to see the doctor because the doctor 'is part of a conspiracy'). He is not fully conscious. My mother, who just before he became ill cursed me that I should die of a horrible disease and that my children are not her grandchildren, is demanding a huge amount of my time and attention, raging if I contact medical staff directly, and is currently trying to get kicked out of her apartment so that I will have to have her live with me in my tiny Israeli apartment, which is already very cramped for my family. What is my obligation here? May I go back to reduced contact (good shabbos calls, wishing mazal tov at a simcha)?
Answer:
Hello,
Yes, you may minimize your contact with your mother. This is for a number of reasons. First, your primary obligation as a married woman is to your husband and children, and if your contact with her is interfering with your obligations as a wife and mother, you have to cut back. This is especially true if she is mentally ill. Another aspect is that when a parent is not mentally well and is causing undue stress on the child, the child, who cannot manage a closer relationship with the parent, has to minimize the relationship in order to avoid doing negative things to the parent.
A third aspect is that you are a giores and, technically, not related to them. However, you do have a watered-down obligation to your parents. Your obligation is to the degree that it doesn’t appear that you are ungrateful to them. In your situation, limiting your relationship with your mother does not appear to be ungrateful; rather, it is a matter of self-protection and managing your other obligations.
As a side point, you should let your mother know in advance that you cannot have her move in with you. Let her know this in a very nice and caring way, but make it clear that it will just not be possible. Although it will not be pleasant for you, it will be a lot easier to do this earlier than later.
Best wishes
Sources:
יורה דעה סימן רמ סעיף י "מי שנטרפה דעת אביו או אמו, משתדל לנהוג עמהם כפי דעתם עד שירוחם עליהם. ואם אי אפשר לו לעמוד, מפני שנשתגעו ביותר, ילך לו ויניחם, ויצוה לאחרים לנהגם כראוי".
ושם סעיף יז "אחד האיש ואחד האשה שוין בכבוד ובמורא של אב ואם, אלא שהאשה אין בידה לעשות, שהיא משועבדת לבעלה, לפיכך היא פטורה בכבוד אב ואם בעודה נשואה".
רמב"ם הלכות ממרים פרק ה הלכה יא הגר אסור לקלל אביו העכו"ם ולהכותו, ולא יבזהו כדי שלא יאמרו באו מקדושה חמורה לקדושה קלה שהרי זה מבזה אביו, אלא נוהג בו מקצת כבוד . וכ"פ בשן"ע יו"ד ס' רמ"א סע' ט'. ובגדר של מצקת כבוד ע' שו"ת אגרות משה יורה דעה חלק ב סימן קל "וניחא לפ"ז מש"כ הרמב"ם אלא שנוהג בו מקצת כבוד שלכאורה איזה שיעור יש בזה, אבל הוא כפי מה שלא יתחשב בעיני הבריות לכפוי טובה שלזה לא יצטרך לכבדו בכבוד הגדול והמורא שחייבתו תורה, אלא בכל מקום וזמן לפ"מ שחושבין אז הבריות וזהו לע"ד באור הנכון בדברי הרמב"ם."
