Question:
My ex was physically abusive on several isolated occasions. He once admitted this in front of all the children, but I believe they were too shocked to absorb it.
Although they witnessed much of his verbal abuse, they still don't understand my attitude toward him, saying we both made mistakes, etc., and that we should bear equal responsibility.
Since he himself admitted this בפה מלא, would it still be considered lashon hara to remind them of this? If not, under what circumstances would this be allowed?
Answer:
Hello,
This sounds like lashon hora, and you shouldn’t say it. Aside from the issur, it will be damaging not only to your ex. but also to yourself. One of the best pieces of advice for a divorced couple is to keep the children out of any fighting. It is critical for their emotional well-being. As it is, it is extremely difficult for them, as they say, to be an orphan missing one parent, but when parents divorce, the children feel as if they are missing both parents, especially if they are fighting. It is understandable that you want to pull the children toward yourself, but the best way to do it is by earning it, by being nice and fair to them, and, most importantly, by giving them emotional stability. Talking negatively about your ex. to them is actually hurting them, because you are talking negatively about their father, who is their only father. You might hate him at this point, but they still love him, and by damaging their relationship with him, you are hurting them very deeply. They should be told that, unfortunately, the relationship couldn’t continue and that, unfortunately, you had to separate, without getting into the nitty-gritty of why you don’t like him. Additionally, in the long run, you might end up suffering from it, because when the children get older, they will want to separate themselves from the hostile environment in order to live a more peaceful life. Therefore, it is in your best interest not to engage in or talk about this topic. Rather, they should be taught that what had to be done was done, and now we are moving on in the healthiest way possible.
Best wishes
