Question:
Hi Rebbe,
I am a baal-teshuva who is no longer in touch with many of the people I was in high school with… I like to think that I wasn’t so bad and don’t think I intentionally hurt others but I definitely spoke and heard lashon hara, manipulated, lied, might have embarrassed, and could have been disrespectful and made others feel bad…
1. How do I teshuva for so much that I don’t know… I sent a nice text asking mechila for any way I wronged others and some people responded, additionally I texted/called many of the boys that I was close with… Is the group chat text enough for all the safeks? Also what about the girls that I know I said/heard lashon hara about — is it proper to text them privately for this?
2. Also, what do I do about all the sins bein adam l’makom? Do i need to do any tikunim for bad sins or is the normal teshuva enough?
Thank you so much Rebbe!
Answer:
Hello,
It is very impressive how serious you are in making sure that you cover everything. Regarding your questions.
- Sending a group text is somewhat helpful, but essentially, we need that the person was actually mochel. Regarding texting the girls that you feel you might have hurt, you can text them, with a message that you have been thinking about the old times and you want to ask them … if you hurt them etc. It is important for you to know, that the Vilna Gaon says, regarding asking other people mechila, that there are times like your, where the person doesn’t know who they wronged, and it is hard to track them down to get in contact with them etc. He says that a person should do the best that he can, and after that, Hashem will send him siyata dishmaya, to correct the situation.
I once read a story of a man that came to a Rov in Eretz Yisroel, and he was very perturbed. He told the Rov that he is from the former Soviet Union, and 60 years ago he had a shul in his basement. His neighbor, got wind of it, and the only way that he would be able to make sure that he didn’t snitch to the authorities, was that he should snitch on him first. That person had a store in his house, (very illegal in the Soviet Union at that time). That is what he did and the person was indeed sent to prison, and everything in the store was taken away. The person feels terrible about what he did, and he wants to pay the person back for the tremendous financial loss that he caused him. However, this was so long ago, in a little Russian town, and there is no way for him to contact that person etc. What should he do? The Rov listened to his story, and told him that he needs a few days to think about it.
A few days later the Rov called, the person back, and the person told him, “You won’t believe it, but the problem was solved”. The Rov asked him, how did this happen”. He said, the next day I had a doctor’s appointment, and as I was sitting in the waiting room, I made some small talk with someone else waiting there, and I asked him the standard opening statement, (in Yiddish) “fun vannaebt kumt a Yid”- lit. where are you from? He answered me the exact town, that I grew up in. Then I asked him if he knew, X who was the person that he wanted to compensate. So, he asked him, “do you know if he is still alive”. He answered, “no he already died”. So, he asked him, “do you know any of his children”? the person answered him, “I am the only surviving child”! The man then told him, “You are the one I am looking for”! He then proceeded to tell him what happened, and he was then able to pay up the money that he wanted to pay him!
He did the best he could, and Hashem took care of the rest. The same with you, do what you can, and Hashem will take care of the rest.
- Don’t be concerned with tikunim etc., by doing normal tesuhva, that is enough. You are doing a tremendous amount, by changing your lifestyle, your friends, and many other things, in your teshuva process. I am sure that you are also learning torah, as there is a lot for you to learn. The torah learning is like a fire that will burns up the aveiros bein adam lamakom, and you do not have to worry about doing tikunim, as your torah learning is the best tukkun.
Best wishes
