Question:
Dear Rabbi,
Our adult daughter struggles with OCD. She has become increasingly observant over the past several years, trying to fulfill more mitzvahs. Because of her OCD and perfectionism, she gets very angry with herself when she “messes” up halacha. She lives with us. We are not observant and do not allow her to do certain rituals because of her OCD (that is a different story). After Shabbat ends, she always asks to do havdalah. This past weekend, she forgot to ask right away and did not remember to ask until about 15 minutes later. She has been beating herself up ever since then that she forgot such an important mitzvah ( Furthermore, she is now worried that because she transgressed, the clothes she was wearing at the time, the food she ate later that night (and anything it touched) are off-limits.)
I’d like to help her be kinder to herself and also not engage in wasted time by worrying and wasted clothing and food (by thinking they need to get thrown out).
Do even Orthodox Jews forget important mitzvahs at times?
When this happens, do they always do teshuvah (she will be doing it all day because of her OCD)?
If one makes a mistake, are all things associated off limits?
Thank you.
Answer:
Hello,
It is nice that you are trying to be patient with your daughter and her condition.
Your daughter did not do anything wrong, by making Havdalah later than usual, in fact since she made it later, she had the holiness of the Sabbath for even longer, which in of itself is a positive thing. There is definitively not issue with the clothing that she was wearing at that time. What your daughter is missing is Rabbinical guidance, as to what is important, and what isn’t, including the ramifications of what happens when someone does something wrong. All of these issues are discussed and she can seek guidance for a of her questions. (Apart from her OCD issue, for which she would need therapy.)
Orthodox Jews are human beings like all human beings, and we all make mistakes. Doing teshuva also has its specific parameters, of what has to be done, etc. Most of the time, even if a person made a mistake, the item is not off limits, with the exception if someone made a food non-kosher, then it can’t be eaten as it isn’t kosher now. Also, there are certain ideas regarding this in reference to the Sabbath, but as said, definitely not in regard to what happened to your daughter.
Your daughter means well; however, she does need guidance, and she can feel free to reach out to us with any questions that she might have.
Best wishes
