Please Rabbi I’d appreciate some help. Is it possible HaShems purpose for me is not to convert?. I want to so much and have for some many years but something constantly prevents me relocating to a main city enabling me to. Current problem is I cannot find work. Previously it was either of my parents ill health or my house that didnt sell. Prior to that it was my husband became suicidal on me saying our marriage was over – it had been for many years but i remained because he was unwell. Eventually he was medicated so was stable enough for me to leave at which point he stopped his medication -his psychatrist said he was only manipulating me but i am a sucker. Anyhow all i want to do is convert. I’ve been having Hebrew lessons, made huge lifestyle changes but it was easy. I love my life except something keeps preventing me. Meantime I dont fit in wth non Jews my own age – the nearest Jewish community is 7 hrs away yet somehow all I appear to do is encounter Jews I can help and I gladly do but all it does is make me realise how much I want to convert Many thanks for listening – I chew HaShems ear ALL the time but figure I’d try someone who can explain because I question myself if this isnt happening is in fact HaShems answer
The obstacles in your path can not be explained conclusively. We don’t know why Hashem does what He does, especially in the realm of trials and tribulations. Why do the righteous suffer? This is the question that baffles even the greatest of minds. Our firm belief is that it is all part of a grand masterplan. Perhaps it is a message as you say, perhaps the opposite. That you are intended to work hard for something so that you truly acquire it. Ultimately, the decision is yours to pursue or not. Obviously this is a decision that is not to be taken lightly, as you are probably aware being an authentic Torah Jew comes with a lot of obligations, rules, prohibitions, not to mention that we have not been the most loved nation in the world, to put it lightly.
May you have Hashem’s help to be guided in the right path.