Question:
Can a widow after remarriage visit the grave of her former husband?
Answer:
Hello,
This idea is not brought down in the basic halacha seforim, however it is mentioned regarding a custom that a widow goes to the grave of her first husband before remarrying, and that after the wedding she doesn’t go to the first husband’s grave. Similarly, a widow should not light a yahrtziet candle for her former husband in from of her new spouse.
The reason for this is that she shouldn’t keep her former husband’s memory in her mind, at least in front of her second husband. (It is understood that it is impossible for her to not think about her former husband, however by doing things that awaken those feelings, isn’t good for her, and can have a negative effect on the relationship with her second husband.) It is important to note that this is not a rule etched in stone, and it depends on the situation. For example if her second husband genuinely doesn’t mind and understands. Or if her children are going to the kever, and this is what helps keep the family together, and her absence will have a detrimental effect on her family, then she can go.
Accordingly, if the second husband dies or they get divorced, she may certainly light a candle or go to the grave of her first husband.
Sources:
Hadras Kodesh letter 21, and see footnote, Piskei Shlomo 2 pg. 264, Pnei Boruch 39-19. Other sources that talk about related topics, see Pri Hasadeh vol. 3 -54, Dudaei Hasadeh siman 14.
