Gift to Wife During Aveilus

The prohibition of giving gifts in aveilus is on account of the issue of she’elas shalom (the prohibition of saying Shalom), or, alternatively, on account of the joy it generates (she’elas shalom, according to several authorities, is not prohibited for the entire year, whereas many prohibit giving gifts during the entire year, suggesting a different rationale; see Divrei Sofrim, Aveilus, siman 385, Birur Halachah, s.v. ve’assur lishloach).

In general, the Taz (Orach Chaim 696:3) writes that because the custom today is not to be particular about she’elas shalom after shloshim yom, it would also be permitted to give gifts.

[The ruling is not entirely clear, and some have asked (see Eliyah Rabbah) that the Rema never states that today’s custom is to be lenient concerning she’elas shalom, but only that the custom in some places is to be lenient.]

The Mishnah Berurah (ibid. 21) quotes this ruling, though he brings it from Magen Avraham (who explains differently), which makes his opinion a little unclear (seeDivrei Sofrim, aveilus, Eimek Davar 47); he adds, however, that the gift should not be something that causes simchah. The same ruling is given by Derech Chaim.

Therefore, under circumstances where the gift is “required” as part of a relationship, for instance from husband to wife, there is room for leniency (see a similar ruling in Nitei Gavriel, Aveilus Vol. 2, Chap. 14, no. 13).