Question:
B”H
Kavod haRav,
Recently the thought came to me that with the war going on, I wanted to abstain from something food related (dessert) as a merit. I did not say the intention out loud, I just sort of thought along the lines of how can I enjoy something like this when my family is in such pain…I did not have a clear concept of when it would be ok to have dessert again, and I did not really think through exactly what is permitted and what isn’t. My question is: because I never said out loud the committment to not have dessert (or sweets or that type of thing), may I simply begin eating dessert again, or would a vow annulment be necessary? (Although I heard that only a thought of a vow for giving tzedeka is binding, I read something that indicated a person’s thought committment to fast, even if they never said it out may be binding, so I wanted to clarify re: dessert)
Thank you sincerely.
Answer:
B”H
Kavod haRav,
Recently the thought came to me that with the war going on, I wanted to abstain from something food related (dessert) as a merit. I did not say the intention out loud, I just sort of thought along the lines of how can I enjoy something like this when my family is in such pain…I did not have a clear concept of when it would be ok to have dessert again, and I did not really think through exactly what is permitted and what isn’t. My question is: because I never said out loud the commitment to not have dessert (or sweets or that type of thing), may I simply begin eating dessert again, or would a vow annulment be necessary? (Although I heard that only a thought of a vow for giving tzedeka is binding, I read something that indicated a person’s thought commitment to fast, even if they never said it out may be binding, so I wanted to clarify re: dessert)
Thank you sincerely.
Answer:
Hello,
You are correct, that the only two times that it is considered a neder are to give tzedakah and regarding fasting. Other nedarim however are not valid unless they are verbalized. On the other hand, a person that actually does a positive action with the intention to continue it, or if it was done three times, then it becomes binding even if you didn’t verbalize it. Therefore, it would be a neder. However, if you were “ matir neder, or if you went to shul by Kol Nidrei and said even once together with the chazzan, that would also be considered as if you publicized that any such neder, should not be binding. And even though generally we don’t rely on this, however for such a neder we can rely on it. Therefore, if you did any of the above, the neder will not apply, however if you didn’t then you should be matir neder.
Another option to geet you out of this neder would be, that since this is a neder which is causing you pain (abstaining from eating) your husband can do what is called hafara, he cn absolve the neder. It however has to specifically be one the Hebrew date that you made the neder, or the date that he heard that you made such a neder , or if he didn’t know that he can do such a thing, on the day that he learns about it. he just has to say “the neder is mufar (canceled)”.
As a general rule, it is best to get into the habit of saying bli neder, whenever you say that you will do something positive, and also when you do something positive, in order to prevent the positive action from becoming a neder.
Best wishes
Sources:
שערי תשובה סוס”י ת”ס, מהר”ם שי”ק סוס”י רמ”ט, ערוך השולחן יורה דעה סימן רנח סעיף לט, וע’ ס’ כל נדרי ס’ נ”ט ס”ק ב’.
