Thank you for this incredible service and harbatzas hatorah!
- It is halachically permitted for me to discuss my son’s teacher with my husband if there is not a specific toeles in mind? I’d like to be able to share her approach, the way she sees our son etc. What if I disagree with elements of her style?
- Can the Rav refer me to somewhere where we can learn more about what types of conversations are toeles and mutar? I haven’t been able to find guidelines for when it is okay to discuss things with someone trustworthy for the sake of “getting if off one’s chest” Thanks so much
Thank you for your compliment! Regarding your questions-
- When you discuss topics that relate to your children, anything that can lead to a toeles is included and permitted for you to discuss with your husband. Knowing the teacher’s style can affect your child and how the teacher interacts with them, etc. If it is being done with your child’s toeles in mind, and it is applicable to their toeles, it is permitted.
- The Chofetz Chaim talks about this in Klal 10-14 in a ftnt., and it really is from Sefer Chasidim 64, that a person is allowed to listen to a person even if they are speaking lashon hora if the reason for listening to the person is in order to calm the person down from their distress, and help them by giving them an eitza if possible. This is only if the person saying the lashon hora is going to be careful to keep to the halchos of speaking l’toeles, namely that the person speaking the lashon hora has to have in mind that it is being done in order to help relieve the worry in his heart, not to exaggerate or add to the story, and to be 100% sure that the person did something bad to him. Additionally, although the person saying it is permitted because it is in order to relieve themselves of the stress, however the person that it is said to is still not allowed to believe it. Another point, the Sefer Chasidim says that if the person is going to tell it to other people, then it isn’t being said for a toeles to calm down, but in order to bad mouth the other person and it is not permitted.
It might be helpful for you to see the Chofetz Chaim Hilchos lashon hora 10-12, and ftnt. 69 in the Dirshu edition, and also Klal 6 ftnt. 26. Also see L’reacha Kamocha- Lashon Hora